Oh, how I wish I could take it all away and make it all better!

Because of the Reflux
Written by IRD Member - Jen
Sunday, 20 March 2005 23:19

Because of the reflux every single day is a struggle
Because of the reflux I dread feeding time
Because of the reflux I find myself resenting my helpless/faultless infant and then feeling immense guilt over these feelings
Because of the reflux I cry every single day
Because of the reflux my friends have all given up on me because I can never go out and loathe having visitors to our unkept house
Because of the reflux I look forward to Mondays when I can bring Kieran to daycare instead of looking forward to Fridays when I have the whole weekend in front of me to spend with her, and then feel intense guilt for these feelings
Because of the reflux I am very depressed
Because of the reflux my relationship with my husband suffers
Because of the reflux we are broke due to multiple medications and expensive formulas that don't work completely
Because of the reflux acquaintances don't bother asking how I'm doing anymore because it's always the same and usually includes tears
Because of the reflux I worry about and count every single sip my daughter takes of her formula because she needs every single sip
Because of the reflux I worry about my daughter in daycare but never call to ask how she's doing because I can't bear to hear her crying in the background
Because of the reflux I feel like an unfit mother and that I can do nothing right
Because of the reflux I don't get to cuddle my baby, because it hurts her to cuddle
Because of the reflux most days I don't get to take a shower and I feel dirty and undignified
Because of the reflux I can't help but wonder if I should have had a child at all
Because of the reflux I wince when I see pregnant women because I know that they will have the cuddly, happy baby that I thought I would have
Because of the reflux I find myself wishing my daughter would grow up just a little faster so that we can be past these horrible times, where most Moms wish for time with their infants to stand still
Because of the reflux I can't take my daughter to get professional pictures taken of her, she would have a meltdown
Because of the reflux I don't take my own photos of her because she's usually crying and who wants to see photos of a crying baby?
Because of the reflux I have to interrupt her fleeting, happy morning moments to administer nasty tasting medicines that don't totally work
Because of the reflux most days I can't figure out how I'm going to make it another day
But I do make it another day and some days are good, a lot of days are bad, but I love my daughter with every cell in my body and I just hope that she senses this through all her pain.

Jealousy

Sometimes I get jealous of the moms who do it all,
because sometimes I feel (or rather most of the time) that I am barely staying afloat.
And no one is throwing me a life jacket.

Life is GRAND!

Today

I am exhausted. Physically. Mentally.
I am just tired. I have been up with Hudson for the past 5 nights. Tonight would be night 6. Milo has been working so he's not able to help me out at night.
Yesterday, I didn't get a nap in during the day, so I'm sure that didn't help my exhaustion.
I cannot wait for the hubby's 4 day. That means that he will be helping me at night, and I should be getting more sleep- either throughout the day or at night.
I'm not sure how I'm going to do this- with school starting next week, and the hubby taking overtime.
Cue the music for the pity party. It starts now.

Life is GRAND!

Life as a mom

Life nowadays is completely different to what it once was.
Gone are the days of sleeping in and running off to wherever I want, whenever I want.
It is now dictated by a precious little boy, one that I am proud to say is mine, and he is just an angel.
I am now up every 3 hours with no help (especially on the nights when his daddy has work the next day) and consider myself lucky if I'm able to shower and eat at some point during the day. I consider myself especially lucky if I'm able to take a nap during the day. For most of the day, I am either peed on, spit on, or have throw up on me. Yet, I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world. I love spending time with my little bug- watching him grow and change right before my very eyes. He already looks completely different from when we brought him home.
He is 1 month old tomorrow, and already time seems to be going by so fast.

Dear sweet baby Hudson,

I am so very lucky to be your mom. I am enjoying this journey with you.
Your daddy and I are very grateful that you are in our life, and cherish every moment we spend with you.
You are such a blessing and we love you very much.





Life is GRAND!
Super Panda