Monday, October 12, 2009

On my Fridge

On my fridge are letters from my father. Letters from when I was younger. When I was too angry to realize what his words meant. Now here I am, years later, much older and wiser. Smart enough to know that I can never get the time back with my dad. It's too late.

But sometimes, when I'm getting something from the fridge, a phrase or some words from his letters will catch my eye. Like tonight, when I was getting the dog food, I saw "I miss you." And in so many ways, I feel as if he is trying to communicate with me. Like he's trying to tell me something.

And you know what? I miss you too dad, wherever you are.

"And I'll remember
the love that you gave me
now that I'm standing on my own.
And I'll remember
the way that you changed me."

Life is GRAND- although sometimes painful.
Super Panda

Surprise, Surprise

An update!

It's birthday week this week, and like every year, I feel some sort of grief around this time. Grief because in so many ways, I am mourning. Mourning the loss of another year. Mourning my dad. This marks my second birthday without my dad. It doesn't get any easier.

I am both ready to shed the old and welcome the new, as well as a little apprehensive about the future. This past year has brought about so many changes- a change in careers, lifestyle, but most importantly, it brought about the freedom to live my own life- to make the choices that are right for me and the hubby. Yes, there are times when I miss the relationship I had with my MIL. The moments when we could be carefree and just talk. However, I know that whenever I gave her an inch, she always wanted to take more. This is definitely a learning process for me- especially because now, I know that I am a bit more guarded with myself around her. Far too many hurtful things were said- and I know time will heal all of it.

So this year, I am looking forward to getting to know myself better. Finding out the choices that work for me, without the too watchful eye of my MIL. She was always very guarded with me, often times not letting me figure things out on my own, and letting me feel like I needed to always comply with her demands. I know a huge part of it was my doing, considering I never set boundaries with her, because after all, my paycheck came from her. But now I say, so long! I am a free woman.
I am ready to face all that is to come this coming year. In so many ways, I feel like it's a rebirth. A little scary, but definitely a nice change.

I also want to start this week by saying THANK YOu.

-To my family who has always been there for me, I love and appreciate you all. Each one of you has made such a big difference in my life. I know there are times when we get on each other's nerves, but there is not a day that goes by where I am not grateful for your presence in my life. My sisters are like built in best friends, and I never felt the need to reach outside of my inner family circle to have company. I am so grateful that I have you all.

-To my girlfriends, I am definitely grateful for all that you do for me. For listening, for keeping me company, for everything. I know we may not see each other a lot, but do know that I'm always here for each and everyone of you. My life is a lot more colorful, and blessed because you are all in it.

and lastly,

-To my hubby. You are my best friend, the love of my life, and my rock. I am who I am because of your love and support. I love you very much. Thank you for being the man that you are.

Please know that without all of you, my life would not be as full as it is. You all bless and color my days. Thank you.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda