LOST

At times, I feel completely directionless.
This is one of those times.
Not quite sure why, or how, but I am finding that this is my current state.
Not event the hello kitty band- aid on my thumb is making me happy.

Perhaps I feel sad because my dad's birthday is right around the corner, and I can't help but miss him during this time.
Perhaps its the holidays that are right around the corner.
Or perhaps, it's because at 27, I feel I am no closer to having a classroom of my own, than I did back in August.

I feel a mess.
I feel like I failed.
And that is the worst feeling of all.
Because I feel as I've let myself down. That I deserve so much better.
That my life is stagnant and not going anywhere.
That I don't even know how to dream anywhere because they seem to no longer be coming true.

And I need to find my way back.
Cause I simply do not like my current state of affairs.
So, dear God, if you're out there, please help me find my way.
I'm a weary traveler looking for some comfort.

Life is GRAND- just challenging at times.
Super Panda

On my Fridge

On my fridge are letters from my father. Letters from when I was younger. When I was too angry to realize what his words meant. Now here I am, years later, much older and wiser. Smart enough to know that I can never get the time back with my dad. It's too late.

But sometimes, when I'm getting something from the fridge, a phrase or some words from his letters will catch my eye. Like tonight, when I was getting the dog food, I saw "I miss you." And in so many ways, I feel as if he is trying to communicate with me. Like he's trying to tell me something.

And you know what? I miss you too dad, wherever you are.

"And I'll remember
the love that you gave me
now that I'm standing on my own.
And I'll remember
the way that you changed me."
(Madonna)

Life is GRAND- although sometimes painful.
Super Panda

Caught Unaware

For the second time in about a week or so, I was overwhelmingly caught by the feelings of loss and sadness.
Out of nowhere, my grief takes over me, and I have no choice but to cry, and have my heart ache over the loss of my dad.
There are no words that can explain just how much my heart aches when this happens, or just how much I want to crumble down and have all life stop because it's so hard for me to go on for that brief period of time.

Last week, as I was doing some sit ups, free bird started playing on my ipod. For some reason, that song reminds me of my dad. Perhaps it was because I knew he couldn't be tied down to us. He was too ingrained into his world, and having things done his way. He was such a free bird. And I knew he couldn't stay. I saw him, just so we can have closure. And that was how our relationship was meant to work. If he was still alive, I'm sure that we still wouldn't be on good terms. I know that him passing resolved a lot of things, and for that I'm forever grateful. Oh how I just wish I had more time with him!

"If I leave here tomorrow, will you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on now,
Cause there's so many places I've got to see
If I stay here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you cannot change."
(Free Bird- Lynr Skynyrd)

And tonight, while coloring some buttercream, The Cure's "Lovesong" started playing on my itunes... and I just lost it.

"Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again.
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again.

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you."
(Lovesong- The Cure)

I know he'll always love me, no matter how far away. Then that song was followed by John Legend's "I Love, You Love" and that made me cry harder.

"Hush my baby don't you cry.
I'll dry your eyes
Fulfill your hearts desires
Let's go and try again
Careful this time
Broken promises lingering are mine...

But my arms can hold you
My kiss console you
I'll come and love you tonight.

I love, I love, I love
Love hurts sometimes
But this feels right...

Aren't you tired of going along
This lonely road
It takes its toll on you
Give me your emotions
Your heart's devotion
Give anything you like
And I'll give understanding
Life's so demanding
I've all you need to get by."
(I Love, You Love- John Legend)

Dad, wherever you are, I love you and I miss you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't feel empty or missing something. I wish we had more time. I wish you were still here. What I would give to have that happen. But I know it's not possible, and we've got a few years before we see each other again. I know that in the meantime, you are with me every step of the way. I know you love me, and are watching out for me, doing the best you can for me, and mom and my sisters, your grandkids, and everyone else. I love you dad. I wish those were words I said to you sooner. I know you know that. I know you know that I miss you terribly. RIP.

Life is GRAND- even though your heart aches from time to time.
Super Panda