Surprise, Surprise

An update!

It's birthday week this week, and like every year, I feel some sort of grief around this time. Grief because in so many ways, I am mourning. Mourning the loss of another year. Mourning my dad. This marks my second birthday without my dad. It doesn't get any easier.

I am both ready to shed the old and welcome the new, as well as a little apprehensive about the future. This past year has brought about so many changes- a change in careers, lifestyle, but most importantly, it brought about the freedom to live my own life- to make the choices that are right for me and the hubby. Yes, there are times when I miss the relationship I had with my MIL. The moments when we could be carefree and just talk. However, I know that whenever I gave her an inch, she always wanted to take more. This is definitely a learning process for me- especially because now, I know that I am a bit more guarded with myself around her. Far too many hurtful things were said- and I know time will heal all of it.

So this year, I am looking forward to getting to know myself better. Finding out the choices that work for me, without the too watchful eye of my MIL. She was always very guarded with me, often times not letting me figure things out on my own, and letting me feel like I needed to always comply with her demands. I know a huge part of it was my doing, considering I never set boundaries with her, because after all, my paycheck came from her. But now I say, so long! I am a free woman.
I am ready to face all that is to come this coming year. In so many ways, I feel like it's a rebirth. A little scary, but definitely a nice change.

I also want to start this week by saying THANK YOu.

-To my family who has always been there for me, I love and appreciate you all. Each one of you has made such a big difference in my life. I know there are times when we get on each other's nerves, but there is not a day that goes by where I am not grateful for your presence in my life. My sisters are like built in best friends, and I never felt the need to reach outside of my inner family circle to have company. I am so grateful that I have you all.

-To my girlfriends, I am definitely grateful for all that you do for me. For listening, for keeping me company, for everything. I know we may not see each other a lot, but do know that I'm always here for each and everyone of you. My life is a lot more colorful, and blessed because you are all in it.

and lastly,

-To my hubby. You are my best friend, the love of my life, and my rock. I am who I am because of your love and support. I love you very much. Thank you for being the man that you are.

Please know that without all of you, my life would not be as full as it is. You all bless and color my days. Thank you.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Dinner and a Movie

Cheesecake Factory with a few of the gals... then Time Traveler's Wife.
What a great evening :)






Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

A Funny Convo between Asian Mike and I

E: i've had stomach issues since last week
E: and the only thing helping is ginger ale
E: i wonder why
E: the downside is it has high fructose corn syrup
E: yuck
M: take tums
E: no i felt like i had the stomach flu
M: or swine flu
E: HAHAHAHAH
M: it's not that funny... what if you have it?
E: i don't have a fever
E: and isn't swine flu like the regular flu not the stomach flu?
M: symptoms include nausea, overexcitement, hatred toward inlaws, sudden need to take a shit in the MIL's mouth, and wanting a new job

A Toast to Old, and New Friends

It always amazes me the person I've turned out to be. And I know that while I'll still be changing, I am just amazed at how far I've come in life, and how much I've developed- character wise.

And I know that while I've been a product of my environment, a lot of who I am is really because of who I've decided to surround myself with.

So, I really do have to give my girlfriends a lot of credit. If it wasn't for all of you, I would definitely be lost. You all have guided me so much.

And this def goes out to friends from the past as well. I know that back then, I was a completely different person, and I may not have made things easy. I might have been a total mean girl back then, but now I've grown up and have seen the error of my ways. In fact, I'm even slightly embarassed that I was like that back then. Ugh! But, oh well, live and learn.

I've been having a lovely time trying to re- connect with friends that I went to high school with. Somehow, it just feels like home. It's an all too comforting, familiar feeling, that I often miss. There's just something to be said for having friends who knew you back then- back when you were a struggling adolescent going through the awkward teen phase.

Anyhow, with all this said... again, thanks to all my girlfriends, old and new.
You all are very dear to me.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Friday Fun Day Special Edition

Special Edition because it was a full day of events.
No work. All play.

Here's what took place:

I slept in (thank goodness because I can't remember the last time I did this).
Got ready to watch The Proposal with the teacher and my bridesmaid (ok, she was my bridesmaid from some time ago- yes, she needs a new name). Before meeting up with the gals, I saw my nieces and nephew- great time with them, always.
Anyhow, the gals and I ate some Thai food, saw the movie, and relaxed by the pool. DEF GREAT TIMES!
Then the teacher and I got ready to go meet up with Miss K and the girl from junior high. Fun times there too! Tapas and a drink, and some dessert. What a night! Girl talk too! Great company, Good times!
Thank you ladies- every single one of you. I had a lovely time, and we def need to do it again.

So, here's the job update...
I had a fab interview on Thursday for a school in Atwater.
Huge possibility of me getting a teaching job. And if I don't, oh well, it's not meant to be, and the right one will come along. BUT I really feel like this is it.
It's for 6th grade homeroom with an emphasis on Math and Science. So, here I am reviewing math and science. I'm excited, scared, anxious, but most of all grateful that I will have a job for the following school year.
The principal emailed me telling me that I should think about math and science, and that she will call me next week.
We shall see what happens.

Anyhow, I hope everyone has a lovely 4th! I am wishing that the hubby is off tomorrow so we can spend the day together.

BTW- go see Public Enemies. Totes fab!!

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

To The Teacher :)
We love you Megs!



Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Blah.

That about sums up how I feel today.
I couldn't sleep last night because I felt a sore throat coming.
I got up at 4, and the sore throat was in full force. I'm definitely not enjoying this.

I sent more resumes out today. I am hoping that someone will see me for the gem that I am, and just give me a shot. That's all I need. One shot. At a teaching position.
I also followed up on one of my leads, but had to leave a message. Hopefully he calls me back. Otherwise, I'll call again on Monday.

Thanks to The Teacher for the encouragement last night.
I started feeling pretty down about not having been called back for a teaching position yet, but she made me feel better about my situation. I know that the right job is waiting for me, and that the jobs I'm not being considered for are meant for someone else. I just hope that the position for me comes along fairly soon. I really just don't want to get anymore discouraged and then just lose hope. If that happens, it means that I'll be too complacent once again, and I might never leave this job. One of my biggest fears would be failure. Another, unhappiness. I'm afraid that I might be headed towards both should I not find something soon.
Staying here is definitely not an option, but I'm afraid I might have to if nothing else comes up. Again, leading me back to failaure and unhappiness.

On the bright side of things, it's about 2 1/2 weeks until the Hubby's graduation from LA City's Academy. We've waited for years for this!
And it's bittersweet for me. Bitter because I wish I was celebrating my own happiness regarding a new job, Sweet because I get to share in his. A bit selfish of me? Perhaps. However, I do reserve the right to be happy as an individual as well.

Tonight, the baking begins at my house. It's The Teacher's birthday on Monday, but she's having a celebration this Saturday. I have been asked to make a cake. I've always enojyed baking and decorating since it offers me peace and solace. However, it's been a while since I've baked, so I hope it still offers the same promise.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

A Full Day

Actually, make that week. A full week.

There's been tons of ups and downs- sometimes, it happens by hour, sometime by days.
However, there does seem to be more ups lately, so for that, I am grateful.

I have an interview this coming week. Please keep me in your prayers.
I am praying, and hoping that this the right job for me, or at least the right school.
I have been preparing myself for this.
I grilled the teacher, and fro girl about what I should say in my interview. They helped tons!!

Oh, and yes, you might have noticed that I've taken to giving people nicknames. These are not meant to offend anyone, but rather to protect their privacy. If it is offensive, please let me know, and I will gladly stop referring to you by that name. However, do know that these are terms of endearment, especially coming from me.

So here's some weekend updates:

Friday:
We got out of work early, so I decided to trek over to CSUN to get a copy of my transcripts for my portfolio that I am putting together for my interview. An hour after getting out of work, I was finally on my way home. At least until I decided to head over to Target for some organizational items. I wanted a few things that would hold paperwork for the beginning of the school year, and wanted a few things to go along with my new Teacher Planner. Yes, I know it all seems premature, however, there is a method to my madness. I am acting AS IF! I am OWNING IT!

Saturday:
The Brit and I were supposed to go to a Zumba class at a dance studio near us, but it was closed for the long weekend. So instead, we headed over to Pierce college. We went on a hike. Then we headed home to get ready for the Cajun Festival. Tons of fun. I am however, slightly burnt- not so fun. We ate our fill of Cajun food, and I even lucked out and got some sugar free, gluten free macaroons to go with my tea. Yum! Then the hubby and I headed over to see my family. I spent some time with them while the hubby visited some old friends at Bear Divide. It was a fun, relaxing evening.

And the best part of it all is that the weekend is not even over yet!

Oh yes, my mom told me that she is inviting my MIL and FIL to her 75th birthday, which is on June 13. Ok, that's fine, as long as you all visualize with me-
THAT I WILL HAVE A JOB OFFER ON OR BEFORE JUNE 15th. There's power in numbers, so please keep me in mind.

Life is GRAND!
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My DUH! Moment

So yesterday morning, while walking with the Brit and Baby C, she mentioned that perhaps my MIL (that means Monster In Law, for those who aren't in the know), probably thinks that I'm looking to steal some of her clients. The Brit goes on to say that she probably knows you're looking for another job, and might take some talents with you.

And the light came on.

That yes, perhaps she is thinking that I'm looking for another job in this crazy business we're in. BUT, she is OH SO WRONG! Because I'm looking for another job in a completely different field.

And so I told the hubby this last night, and he said "DUH!"
And he proceeded to tell me that he thought the exact same thing.

Clearly, I've been to wrapped up in my own thoughts that I never even considered what she could be thinking. Frankly, I just didn't care.

Imagine her surprise when I tell her I'm leaving. Leaving to teach.
YAY ME :)
TEAM SUPER PANDA ALL THE WAY!
HA!

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Slightly Looking Up!

Today, I woke up feeling slightly, refreshed.
Yesterday, was horrible, and today definitely is a much brighter day.

I spoke to the zoo lady last night, and she definitely helped me out. Restored my spirits, I would say. She used to be a teacher and she gave me great info. She told me how she got her start, and I'm applying to the same placement company. Even though it's just for substitute teaching, it will at least get my foot in the door, and give me the experience I need. She also told me that because of the economy, I am competing with a lot of experienced teachers, which of course puts me at a disadvantage. However, she also told me to persevere and that it will be worth it.
She told me that I will land somewhere.

Oddly enough, I've been hearing this from people throughout this pity party of mine, but it wasn't until she said that something clicked.
I hope that the joy and excitement lasts for a while.
It's so not fun feeling sorry for yourself.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Quickie Updates

Since I've done nothing but rant about my new endeavor- which is to get a job in the field of education, I've decided it's time for a few quickie updates.

*The hubby is almost done with the Academy.
4 weeks from today is graduation. June 18th, Drill Tower 40. He had his last physical and written test (before the final) today. He's decided that he is buying himself a gift for having gotten this far. That means our PS3 will be getting lots of love soon.

*Meg, E, and I hit up the Strawberry Festival this past weekend. We were stuck in traffic for a while. A long while. But we had a lot of fun. It was great bonding with the gals. We saw the Brit at the fair, but she left early.
Good food, great company. Up next- Cajun Festival this coming weekend.
I think the hubby and I will be heading to that.

So, this is just a random thing.
EVERYDAY, and I mean that...
I take something home from work that is mine.
I am slowly cleaning my desk, and taking bits and pieces of me away :)

Ok, I thought I had more updates (generally speaking). Turns out I don't.
Tune in to the next installment.

Life is GRAND!
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Dancing Queen

Make that QUEENS- with an S.
That would be the Brit, the gril from Junior High, and I.
We went to Zumba last night at the gym.
And our hips moved- A LOT.

It was a ton of fun. And definitely great company.
It was a much needed break for me- a break from all that is going on.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Today's Conditions

Cloudy but with a little bit of sunshine.
Yes, I'm happy to report that I'm feeling slightly better.
Not a whole lot, but better at least, which is some sign of improvement.

Yesterday while at therapy, my therapist brought up the fact that it's only been a week since I last saw her. Only a week since my life was turned upside down.
And this was a defining moment for me. See, somehow in my head, it felt like it had been longer than a week. It was great having someone else put things in perspective. It really made me feel like I had accomplished a lot more than I was giving myself credit for- because in a week I have:

*figured out what I DON'T want to do. This was my starting point.
*figured out something else I could do/ want to do.
*weighed out my options- with the hubby.
*spoken with others and continue to verbalize my concerns about the situation. I'm def not hiding any emotions.
*done a few informational/ informal interviews- mainly talking to friends who are teachers.
*researched and spoken with a counselor at the University of Phoenix. 3 hours, and 3 phone calls later, I think I have a much better idea as to what I'm going to do with my life.
*spread the word that I am looking for a teaching job, that I am in need of volunteer hours for my masters/ credentials program (240 hours to be exact and it has to involve kids).
*bought myself a review book for the CBEST.
*have visualized and masterminded a new job, and a future that shines brightly.
*a solid resume, although it needs just a bit of fine tuning.
*gotten to know myself- my strength, courage and determination. I am seeing my determination in action.
*reconciled myself somewhat (I'm still working on this!)with the facts that as a teacher, I will be making a lot less than I'm used to, and would have to depend on my husband a little bit more. That I will be making a lot less than a lot of my friends, because essentially I am starting again at the bottom of the ladder.

I have barely given myself time to mourn. Although I did have a few moments in between doing all this where I really indulged and threw myself a pity party.

Today, though, at this moment, I can honestly say I feel some sort of peace.
Perhaps I'm coming to terms that this is what IS now.
That my life is changing and all I can do is embrace the change, the beautiful chaos.
Because, yes, although this whole thing has shaken my entire being, I am being propelled to something far greater.

Although sometimes, I still wish someone would just come and tell me that all is taken care of, and I no longer have to worry. That it will all get easier soon.
That it will all be okay.

So, tomorrow, I may feel completely different. The fear, loneliness and anxiety might come back. However, for today, for right now, I am simply grateful.
Grateful that I can somewhat see the light at the end of the tunnel.
And really, that makes all the difference :)

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

The days of the week

Everyday...

I do just a little bit, in the hopes that the Universe will meet me half way.
Ok, that's a lie.
It's become my second job to look for a teaching job. But really in the hopes that the Universe will provide.
I would LOVE a teaching job at a private school that will allow me to teach with just my Bachelor's while I work on my credentials.

Everyday...
I struggle- with the emotions, the doubts, the sadness that lingers from last week's events.
Again, words have been said. And they have left ginormous scars.

Everyday...
I panic. Just a little bit. Ok, a little bit more than a little bit.
I need a teaching job for the coming school year.
That means by August or September, preferrably sooner because I can't be in the land of the unknown and uncertainty for that much longer. I really just don't belong here. Plus, I really can't see myself doing what I'm doing now for another year.
However, I am learning- to trust. That all will work out well.
And I know they will. God loves me that much.

Everyday...
I ask for prayers to help keep me going through this difficult time.
Prayers that I find a new job. Prayers that things get easier someday soon.
Prayers that it will all come out roses in the end.

Everyday...
I am grateful. I am grateful that I have a loving husband who is encouraging me in this new direction, because not only does it affect my life, but his as well.
I am grateful that I have a loving family who supports me in the decisions that I have had to make in just a short amount of time. Grateful that my mom calls me everyday to see how I'm doing because she knows I'm struggling. Mother's Instinct, I'm guessing. I am grateful that I have such wonderful friends who are my biggest cheerleaders. I am grateful for everyone that has been my saving grace and who continue to be. I love you all, and your words and actions mean so much. Thank you.

And lastly, I'm sorry.
I know I've been a downer lately. I've been the kind of person who really hasn't been that much fun to be around. All I've done is talk about my misery, my fears, my concerns. For all of that, I apologize.
I promise it won't always be like this. I promise that deep down, the cheerful me that you're all used to is there. I promise- because I have to believe in that too.

Things will get better in time. So, hang in there with me.

Life is GRAND!
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