Wednesday, December 17, 2008

It's a Tough Holiday Season

It's an unspoken rule in my family that we don't talk about emotions. Which is why I'm blogging about something that is near and dear to me.

It's the Holiday Season and I am having the hardest time being jolly.
There are so many wonderful things happening- which I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL for- such as a new house, and the hubby so close to being with LA City. Yet, I can't help but feel

d
o
w
n

and sad, and heart broken because my one wish this Christmas will not come true. And no, I'm not being negative, I'm being real. All I want for Christmas is to have my dad back. Not the dad I lost when I was a kid because we lived apart, but the dad I got to know while he was on his deathbed. And as an adult, I want to just scream and throw a fit and cry my eyes out, because I am grieving this loss that is so deep, that I cannot pull myself out. I cry for what I lost and can never get back. I cry for what could have been had I known certain things while he was alive. I cry because I miss him. I cry for all the things I missed out on as a child. I cry because I know that no matter how angry I was at him, he loved me unconditionally. I cry because the holidays make me miss him so much more. I cry because it is almost a year since he died, and for some reason, the one year mark makes it seem more final.

I am so tired and weary. I am sick of hearing people dismiss my emotions of sadness and grief. It is a valid emotion- even with all the blessings that have been bestowed upon me. This is a part of my life- a HUGE one at that, and I simply cannot put it down and be on my merry way. While I understand that my grief has lasted so much longer than a lot of people's sympathies, it is still unfair to dismiss how I am currently feeling. It's a valid emotion, and really, come to think of it, all I want for Christmas is for people to say, IT'S OK. It's ok to feel the way I feel. It's ok to still be sad. It's ok to be grateful and happy and sad and grieving all at the same time. It's ok to miss my dad. These are all real emotions to me, and should not be cut down, or made any less important simply because of all the other things that are going on. If anything, it makes me miss my dad more because I wish he was around for me to share all these wonderful things with. I know he would have been really happy and extremely proud of me. And I know that somewhere, he is. I just wish I could hear him say it.

Please be kind and gentle to others. You never know what burden they are carrying on their shoulders.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

yes, erika, it's all ok. i've been thinking about him too before i went to bed last night and when i woke up at 4:30am this morning.
but life goes on. it's what he would have wanted.

But

Hotshot's Wife said...

Erika,
You have every right to be sad. It is hard to lose something or someone and the holiday season doesn't make it any easier. So cuddle up in the warm, loving arms of your awesome husband and have a good cry. That's what our hubbys are for....at least that's what I use mine for. They understand us, they hurt with us and most of all they are there for us. We have a hard time during the holidays because we can't have children. The only "success" we had, we miscarrieg on Valentine's Day. So I do understand why some things hurt. It's okay to cry. Remember your dad lives on in your heart FOREVER and he's watching you from above.....make him proud girlfriend!
Lots of Love & Hugs,
TRISH

Susan said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Susan

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Anonymous said...

Erika, you are so right. It is okay. It's okay to grieve and it's okay to feel mixed emotions all at once. And even though it will get easier over time, it is always okay to feel sadness over the loss of your dad. He was your father and you missed out on a lot of time with him. Let me know if you ever want to talk about it. You have the right to be sad. I hope you know your friends are always here to listen.

Love yah!

~Megs

Bossy Boots said...

Of course it's okay to still be sad...he's still gone, isn't he? You just have to remember it's sometimes hard for people to identify with your grief if they haven't been through exactly what you have been through (which, really no one has). I'll share a piece of advice someone very special gave to me...I hope you find it helpful: "Go ahead and be sad, or angry. Or both. You have every right. You can shut yourself off from the world and just be sad and angry for as long as you like. But remember that while you are off doing this, the world is going on without you. Don't forget to join back in."