Thursday, July 30, 2009

Dear God, Give Me A Sign

I need to know that the job that was partially offered to me is still there waiting for me.
And if it isn't, please let me know that something else is on the horizon.

Super Panda

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Good Bye's

I am not a fan of good bye's. Never have been, and probably never will be.
I get too sentimental. Too attached.
Some may say I care too much.
Perhaps all of the above are true.
In so many ways, I'm quite sure they are.
As I near the final weeks of my stay at Cope Management, the good bye's are pouring in. And just as expected, they are tough moments. Bittersweet is the word.

I am grateful for every single person that has helped foster my career. I wouldn't be where I am today without any of you. I am grateful for all the opportunities my career has afforded me. In my mid 20's, I am/ was making more money than most people my age. I have a great car, a house, and of course a few of life's luxuries. Not to mention a fabulous husband and 2 lovely pups. I also am more confident in myself and my abilities. In my few short years into adulthood, I have accomplished a lot more than I could ever have imagined. I am grateful for all this. Every single experience I've had at Cope Management has shaped me in every way. My family came here from a 3rd world country, and never did Idream that I would be doing what I have been doing for the past few years. It has opened my eyes to so many things and have taught me a lot. Everyday I am grateful for this.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

No longer of use

A talent is a talent. They are actors, and therefore have that actor mentality.
When you are no longer of use to them, then you simply are cast aside.
Of course, not all of them are like this. Just a few. I think it's just a bit surprising when the people who end up acting like this, are the people whom you never thought would.
Unfortunate, but it happens.
And that's what is happening now.
I am on my way out. I am enjoying my last few weeks here at Cope Management.
I am still doing work. Wrapping things up, getting the new gals prepped by having tons of notes for her.
But of course, to some talents of mine, I am no longer of service to them.
And that is that.
It's been a pleasure serving you all...

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Hard Headed

Yep, that would be me.
I keep failing to learn the lesson that's right in front of me.
Which is why I feel like I keep living the exact same nightmare, just presented in different packaging.
I so need to learn to let go, to let God.
To trust.
Because that is the basis and foundation for any relationship.
I know that I will always be provided for, and that things are happening according to plan.
But knowing consciously, and feeling and trusting it wholeheartedly are different things.
Now that I know, the next step is to really feel it and let go.
Let go, Let God.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Monday, July 27, 2009

A Funny Convo between Asian Mike and I

E: i've had stomach issues since last week
E: and the only thing helping is ginger ale
E: i wonder why
E: the downside is it has high fructose corn syrup
E: yuck
M: take tums
E: no i felt like i had the stomach flu
M: or swine flu
M: it's not that funny... what if you have it?
E: i don't have a fever
E: and isn't swine flu like the regular flu not the stomach flu?
M: symptoms include nausea, overexcitement, hatred toward inlaws, sudden need to take a shit in the MIL's mouth, and wanting a new job


Yes, my scheduled meeting is not happening tomorrow because jury duty calls... not for me, but for my principal. Oh well, such is life. Things are happening according to God's plan.

And now, for a little venting session.
I most certainly cannot wait until I am out of here. Here meaning my current place of employment.
Everyday something new pops up, but it's mostly a different version of whatever issue my MIL has with me. Her latest issue being that I'm leaving.
And seriously, everyday I put on a happy and brave face. One that says I'm leaving, so I'm doing what I have to do here. But since I'm such a nice person, I'm always accomodating her. And she continues to be cold and mean and rude to me.
I know this has to end someday. I know things have to get better sometime.
When, I'm not quite sure.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Oh, and please help me to endure what's left here. It's not much longer.
Help make the days go by swiftly, and my interactions with her short.

Life is GRAND- just a few setbacks, sometimes.
Super Panda

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Good News

I got an email on Monday night from my new principal.
She said that she would love for me to come in and discuss the possibility of me joining the team.
I have an appointment to come in, next Tuesday at 8:30.

Great things are brewing!
I smell it already!

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Monday, July 20, 2009

Updates with pictures!

So... this weekend was busy, but fun.
I was off Friday so I spent the morning working on the cake. From the moment I woke up, until about 1. The hubby and I needed to go to Pasadena to sign up with the Los Angeles Firemen's Credit Union... back story is that we've been screwed over at Chase (WaMu) quite a few times. The most recent one being Thursday night, when 4 of our accounts were compromised, thus prompting me to see Marlene, my personal banker, as I like to call her. I asked her to close all my accounts because I was done with Chase.

So I walked out of there, with my cash in my purse. Not advisable to do, esp. when you just want to run with all of it to Nordstrom's Anniversary Sale.
But anyhow, the hubby and I opened up new bank accounts. We're in deep with all this firemen thing, in case y'all haven't noticed. Anyhow, we hung out in Pasadena for a bit, then drove by HOly Trinity (the school I hope to be teaching at). I wanted to show the hubby around for a bit, while trying to avoid looking like a stalker.

Then, we headed home and I finished the cake, or Leo the Lion as I affectionately call him.

Saturday, was Harry Potter day. We saw it at the Arclight in Sherman Oaks at 10 am. I was able to do double duty and got a gift for The Girl from Junior High's Little Kangaroo. Afterwards, the hubby and I had lunch at The Stand with my sis, my niece, her bf, nd my nephew. It was a family affair!
Then the hubby and I had fun at The Little Kangaroo's 1st birthday.

The hubby worked the next day... last Sunday, this month!
I went to church, then Valley Brunette's brunch, plus a bonus trip to DSW, and Nordstrom's Anniversary Sale. I also somehow managed to squeeze in some pool time, and of course, no weekend is complete without a trip to TJ's for some groceries.

Hope this weeks moves pretty quickly! Plus, hope I get my call this week :)

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Friday, July 17, 2009

Caught Unaware

For the second time in about a week or so, I was overwhelmingly caught by the feelings of loss and sadness.
Out of nowhere, my grief takes over me, and I have no choice but to cry, and have my heart ache over the loss of my dad.
There are no words that can explain just how much my heart aches when this happens, or just how much I want to crumble down and have all life stop because it's so hard for me to go on for that brief period of time.

Last week, as I was doing some sit ups, free bird started playing on my ipod. For some reason, that song reminds me of my dad. Perhaps it was because I knew he couldn't be tied down to us. He was too ingrained into his world, and having things done his way. He was such a free bird. And I knew he couldn't stay. I saw him, just so we can have closure. And that was how our relationship was meant to work. If he was still alive, I'm sure that we still wouldn't be on good terms. I know that him passing resolved a lot of things, and for that I'm forever grateful. Oh how I just wish I had more time with him!

"If I leave here tomorrow, will you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on now,
Cause there's so many places I've got to see
If I stay here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you cannot change."
(Free Bird- Lynr Skynyrd)

And tonight, while coloring some buttercream, The Cure's "Lovesong" started playing on my itunes... and I just lost it.

"Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again.
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again.

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you."
(Lovesong- The Cure)

I know he'll always love me, no matter how far away. Then that song was followed by John Legend's "I Love, You Love" and that made me cry harder.

"Hush my baby don't you cry.
I'll dry your eyes
Fulfill your hearts desires
Let's go and try again
Careful this time
Broken promises lingering are mine...

But my arms can hold you
My kiss console you
I'll come and love you tonight.

I love, I love, I love
Love hurts sometimes
But this feels right...

Aren't you tired of going along
This lonely road
It takes its toll on you
Give me your emotions
Your heart's devotion
Give anything you like
And I'll give understanding
Life's so demanding
I've all you need to get by."
(I Love, You Love- John Legend)

Dad, wherever you are, I love you and I miss you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't feel empty or missing something. I wish we had more time. I wish you were still here. What I would give to have that happen. But I know it's not possible, and we've got a few years before we see each other again. I know that in the meantime, you are with me every step of the way. I know you love me, and are watching out for me, doing the best you can for me, and mom and my sisters, your grandkids, and everyone else. I love you dad. I wish those were words I said to you sooner. I know you know that. I know you know that I miss you terribly. RIP.

Life is GRAND- even though your heart aches from time to time.
Super Panda

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I KNOW what's best for ME...

It is my life after all.

I have taken the high road on most of the stuff that has gone on with my MIL as of late.
And that's what I'm continuing to do. Just when I thought we were moving on, and working on repairing our broken relationship, it seems that she's still harboring a major issue. The issue being that I'm on my way out.
She seems to not be able to handle this. Just today, I found out that she doesn't support my choice. She thinks that I'm making a terrible mistake, because she has friends that hate their teaching jobs. Could it be that they're just too old, and perhaps, just maybe need to retire? I mean, clearly, if you don't enjoy what you're doing, then perhaps you should no longer be doing it.
Hence the reason I'm leaving... cause I no longer enjoy what I do. It was never my dream to work for her, granted it has given me many tremendous opportunities that I am and will forever be grateful for.

I think the reason why I'm having such a hard time with this whole thing regarding my MIL is because at one time, she was my mentor. I looked up to her tremendously. And I guess as the saying goes, "you should never put anyone on a pedestal, because sooner or later, they will fall, and you will just be disappointed." And that's exactly what's going on. I admired her, and truly believed her to be a certain way. I refused to see her faults, and look where we are now. I am so bothered that she thinks I'm making a mistake by leaving. My reasons for leaving may not be the right or the best reasons for her, but the reality of it is, they are the BEST and the RIGHT reasons for me (and the hubby). In the end, that's all that truly matters.

So, really... I know that she might be disappointed because my choices strongly differ from hers. This is MY life. It feels so free and empowering to be making decisions for me, for once in my life. The choices I've made in the past were always made to make someone else happy. That's done now.

I'mma do me. And it's a great feeling.
So, to the naysayers, watch me... I'm making the right choices and changes are on their way. I'm one day closer, everyday.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


As most of you know, this is an all encompassing word for me.
And really, it sums up everything I'm feeling at the moment.
I am incredibly overwhelmed, frustrated, emotional, and exhausted.
This week is proving to be tough.

I have my second interview tomorrow. I have my lesson plan typed out, ready to be given to the principal. I have my notes typed and ready for me to go through, except I'm nervous as hell about being in front of little kids. Crazy right?
I need to make sure that today, Tuesday, is ALL about my interview for the next day.

Then the rest of the week, I can focus on making the cake that I need to have finished by Saturday afternoon.
Cakes baked- check.
Simple syrup made- check.

Still need to:
Make buttercream (choclate frosting, plus colors- red, yellow, orange)
Make filling
Fill and carve cake
Crumb Coat cake
Dot transfer
Pipe decorations

I see sleepless nights beginning Wednesday night. Oh wait, that started already.
I thought I'd get a head start and bake the cakes early. Didn't work out so well.
Cakes crumbled quick.
I'm on my 3rd batch. I'm hoping they hold.

Oh, and yes, here's the icing on the cake (no pun intended), it's period week.
I am an emotional wreck. Lucky the hubby's working a 24 tonight.

Life is GRAND- just a little too full sometimes!
Super Panda

Monday, July 13, 2009

A Toast to Old, and New Friends

It always amazes me the person I've turned out to be. And I know that while I'll still be changing, I am just amazed at how far I've come in life, and how much I've developed- character wise.

And I know that while I've been a product of my environment, a lot of who I am is really because of who I've decided to surround myself with.

So, I really do have to give my girlfriends a lot of credit. If it wasn't for all of you, I would definitely be lost. You all have guided me so much.

And this def goes out to friends from the past as well. I know that back then, I was a completely different person, and I may not have made things easy. I might have been a total mean girl back then, but now I've grown up and have seen the error of my ways. In fact, I'm even slightly embarassed that I was like that back then. Ugh! But, oh well, live and learn.

I've been having a lovely time trying to re- connect with friends that I went to high school with. Somehow, it just feels like home. It's an all too comforting, familiar feeling, that I often miss. There's just something to be said for having friends who knew you back then- back when you were a struggling adolescent going through the awkward teen phase.

Anyhow, with all this said... again, thanks to all my girlfriends, old and new.
You all are very dear to me.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Friday, July 10, 2009

Cry Baby

Yep, that's me lately.
Last night after dinner, while trying to lesson plan, I found myself bawling on the couch. I was sobbing about leaving the people at my current job- how hard I've worked for them, and that now, with someone else doing my work, it's no longer in my control. I will no longer have the same interaction I have with them on a daily basis. I'm worried that all the hard work that I've done will be for naught- all the relationships I've formed with vendors, etc.
Then I cried about this new phase I'm going to- how I have no experience as a teacher, and it will definitely be challenging for me. I think it's because I really just want to be a good teacher- someone the kids love and someone who can relay information clearly. I want to make a difference.

This whole transition phase- it's definitely getting the best of me.
However, I know that I am moving forward, in the direction of what God has intended for me. It's just a little hard sometimes.

Today, after a hard run, grief took over. As Freebird by Lynrd Skynrd was playing, I wept about my dad. With all that has been going on, it's been a nice distraction from the pain that still somewhat takes over me when I think about my dad no longer being around. Yes we had a pained relationship. But nonetheless, he was my dad, and I remember him being my hero as a little girl. I know that up until he passed, he was my champion. And I'm sure wherever he is, he's still pushing and prodding me along. I just sometimes wish it were easier. But alas, such is life.

I know I'm being guided. I know that I just need to trust in the process, and in God's grace. Things are moving along just as they should. I know that I'm just sad over the end of one thing, and the absolute uncertainty of what I'm about to venture into. I know that I should have faith in all of it.

And really, thank goodness for my wonderful husband. Without him, I wouldn't be as strong and resolved as I am now. He's going into this new phase with me, and I so appreciate his support. He hugs me when I'm sad, and dries away my tears. Thank you.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

A Good Bye, Good Luck Letter

I need to let go of the past, and that which I cannot control. I know things will still be functioning without me. I can only hope and have faith in that.
So, here's my release as I move on to the next chapter of my life.

Dear Wendy,

As you know, I've never been a big fan of you. And up until now, I'm still not your biggest fan. This is a hurdle that I have to definitely overcome, as I begin to get ready to hand over to you what I've built and established for the past few years. Am I scared? Yes. Am I worried? Yes. I'm a mixture of emotions regarding all this. My anxiety lies in the fact that Cope Management has such great talents. Many whom I consider to be family because of the close knit bond we've developed through the years. When you were last here, we all had to pull together and deal with what you left behind. Please treat them gently. With care. They are such amazing, kind and generous people, and they deserve to be working- EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
I know you play favorites. Please try not to do that this time. Again, every single one of our talents should be working. Just like they are now with me at the wheel.

Asides from the talents, please take care of our vendors too. There's no job too small that you can't take care of. Whether it's ADR, non- union, low budget, whatever- take it. You cannot turn away work. I have made it a point to be the go to gal for a lot of producers and companies out there- mainly because I work with their budget. Please do the same. Observe the length of time it takes you to get auditions over to vendors. That's important too. It's important to get repeat business. That's how we grow- they know they can rely on us, and in turn, word spreads.

As I'm sure you can only imagine, things have definitely changed since you were last here. Please observe those changes, and if need be, let go or change the ones that don't work for you. I know that both you and I just want this business to grow. Do know that just because my heart is no longer in it, and I'm moving on, it DOES NOT (in anyway) mean that I don't care. In fact, I care more than people realize. I care that's why I'm leaving. I know that I'm no longer the person that can do the job. I know that I'm no longer the person this business requires me to be. I know all that, and it is with that knowledge that I'm leaving this business, the talents, and the vendors. We may not like each other, but we can definitely be united in our goal of having the talents at Cope Management succeed.

Yours Truly,
Super Panda

I am releasing this situation, and I am bless it wholeheartedly.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

It's Coming!

I hope soon.
A teaching job is on the horizon for me. I feel it.
Except that I hate that I'm getting slightly antsy. Slightly impatient.
Things are going to happen the way they are meant to happen, when they are meant to.
Hopefully soon :)

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Happy Birthday

to Valley Brunette, also known as Ms. P
I need to find a pic :)

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Jingle Jangle, A Mixture of Emotions

So today, I am having a bit of a hard time.
I am in a transition phase. An in- between stage.

The girl who is taking over my position is waiting to start. They are getting her all good and ready. Her cell phone is ready and waiting. She has her email account set up.

Meanwhile, I am here, waiting to be offered a fabulous teaching position.
Watching someone take over the relationships I've built. The friendships I've developed. The life I've created.

It is a struggle. On the one hand, I love the people I've met and have enjoyed doing what I've been doing for years. On the other, it's just not right for me anymore. It is no longer a part of my identity.

BUT it is still an identity that I'm in the process of shedding. And this definitely makes it a lot harder. Especially because I'm not sure where I'm heading yet. As of now, no job offer. I know there's a plan for me. That I know for sure. It's coming... I'm one day closer to it :)

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Monday, July 6, 2009


It was a long, tiring, but fun weekend.
Friday recap has already been blogged about.
Saturday morning, I woke up early and then went on a 5 mile walk with my niece and nephew- we went up steep hills. Fun. Then ran a few errands- like get a few teaching materials, etc.
After that, I went home and got ready for my date with the hubby. We went to Fillmore for their car show. We also went to the fire dept. there so the hubby can turn in his badge and shield since he's now with LA City.
We went home and he got to studying while I got to cleaning. No fireworks for us.
Sunday- church and then I went swimming with my family.
Lots of swimming and tanning.
I am now burnt.
Fun though.
Valley Brunette came and enjoyed herself as well.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Friday, July 3, 2009

Friday Fun Day Special Edition

Special Edition because it was a full day of events.
No work. All play.

Here's what took place:

I slept in (thank goodness because I can't remember the last time I did this).
Got ready to watch The Proposal with the teacher and my bridesmaid (ok, she was my bridesmaid from some time ago- yes, she needs a new name). Before meeting up with the gals, I saw my nieces and nephew- great time with them, always.
Anyhow, the gals and I ate some Thai food, saw the movie, and relaxed by the pool. DEF GREAT TIMES!
Then the teacher and I got ready to go meet up with Miss K and the girl from junior high. Fun times there too! Tapas and a drink, and some dessert. What a night! Girl talk too! Great company, Good times!
Thank you ladies- every single one of you. I had a lovely time, and we def need to do it again.

So, here's the job update...
I had a fab interview on Thursday for a school in Atwater.
Huge possibility of me getting a teaching job. And if I don't, oh well, it's not meant to be, and the right one will come along. BUT I really feel like this is it.
It's for 6th grade homeroom with an emphasis on Math and Science. So, here I am reviewing math and science. I'm excited, scared, anxious, but most of all grateful that I will have a job for the following school year.
The principal emailed me telling me that I should think about math and science, and that she will call me next week.
We shall see what happens.

Anyhow, I hope everyone has a lovely 4th! I am wishing that the hubby is off tomorrow so we can spend the day together.

BTW- go see Public Enemies. Totes fab!!

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Thursday, July 2, 2009

A Brand New Day

I am in a fabulous disposition today.
I have so much excitement inside that I can barely contain it :)

Thanks to my gals for a wonderful meeting last night.
It is always a pleasure to sit and chat and share with you.
You are all definitely my angels.

Ok, on top of all this- it's a 3 1/2 day weekend for me. Hooray!

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Your Best Days Are Yet to Come

And I wholeheartedly believe in that.

I know that for a while, dark clouds hovered over me.
However, the sun is now shining brightly.
For the first time, in a really long while, I feel like myself.

My MIL and I are being completely honest and genuine with each other.
She's been really supportive of me finding a job. She even knows I have an interview tomorrow! I definitely feel that our relationship is on the mend, and that me leaving is the best thing that I could do for both of us.
We're even planning on having them over for dinner next week :)

I know that great things are in store for me.
Great things such as a teaching job.
I know that for sure.
Things are working out just as they should. I'm grateful for it all.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda