Friday, July 10, 2009

Cry Baby

Yep, that's me lately.
Last night after dinner, while trying to lesson plan, I found myself bawling on the couch. I was sobbing about leaving the people at my current job- how hard I've worked for them, and that now, with someone else doing my work, it's no longer in my control. I will no longer have the same interaction I have with them on a daily basis. I'm worried that all the hard work that I've done will be for naught- all the relationships I've formed with vendors, etc.
Then I cried about this new phase I'm going to- how I have no experience as a teacher, and it will definitely be challenging for me. I think it's because I really just want to be a good teacher- someone the kids love and someone who can relay information clearly. I want to make a difference.

This whole transition phase- it's definitely getting the best of me.
However, I know that I am moving forward, in the direction of what God has intended for me. It's just a little hard sometimes.

Today, after a hard run, grief took over. As Freebird by Lynrd Skynrd was playing, I wept about my dad. With all that has been going on, it's been a nice distraction from the pain that still somewhat takes over me when I think about my dad no longer being around. Yes we had a pained relationship. But nonetheless, he was my dad, and I remember him being my hero as a little girl. I know that up until he passed, he was my champion. And I'm sure wherever he is, he's still pushing and prodding me along. I just sometimes wish it were easier. But alas, such is life.

I know I'm being guided. I know that I just need to trust in the process, and in God's grace. Things are moving along just as they should. I know that I'm just sad over the end of one thing, and the absolute uncertainty of what I'm about to venture into. I know that I should have faith in all of it.

And really, thank goodness for my wonderful husband. Without him, I wouldn't be as strong and resolved as I am now. He's going into this new phase with me, and I so appreciate his support. He hugs me when I'm sad, and dries away my tears. Thank you.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

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