Today, is the Day Your New Life Begins

OK, it begins on Monday, but still...

It is 4 AM and I cannot go back to sleep.
I feel as if I'm in a state of mourning in so many ways.

For the past few months, I have longed for a new job. I have worked dilligently towards a new career- enrolled in school, sent out resumes, have gone on numerous interviews. And a few of those interviews were so promising.
Yet, a full time teaching position did not materialize.
Up until yesterday, I had some sort of hope that I would get an offer for a teaching position.
But, to my dismay, that did not happen.

What I did get is this...
an offer to work at a great school as a receptionist (and also as a substitute teacher throughout the school year).
A gift wrapped in a completely different package than what I was expecting.
OR clearly, that is how I should look at it as, because there's always a silver lining somewhere.

In so many ways, I feel that a brand new me is emerging. Or it could be the brand new lifestyle that the hubby and I are about to embark on. I am on the cusp, yet I'm finding it so hard to dive right in.
All the fears I have are lingering around. I wonder what made them decide to emerge so late in the game. Or could it have been that they were here all along, yet I just failed to notice them? And if so, how could I have ignored them then, but not now? Not when I'm right on the brink of this new life.

Or the reality of it is, that it could just be my ego talking.
This truly is a humbling change for me.
I am coming from a completely different background/ lifestyle.
At the age of 26, I have made a name for myself in a completely different industry. I was able to buy a house with my husband, and live a life of luxury (by our own standards). And all that is changing. And I'm afraid. Gone are the days when we had so much disposable income. Gone are the days when I could just shop and not care as much about the expense.
Today, the reality of all that is sinking in.

I was a damn good talent manager, if i do say so myself.
I negotiated well, and dealt with vendors and talents well.
Yet somehow, somewhere along the way, I lost the passion for all of it. It could have been when my dad died and I went to the Philippines and saw how much simpler life could be (and of course be happy). Cause I did experience all of that.
I don't know. But it happened, and here I am now.

I sometimes feel like a fool. Throwing away all I have. But, it no longer makes me happy.
So the real question is, why is it then, if it no longer made me happy, that I'm sad to be leaving it all behind?
Perhaps I'm grieving all that I'm leaving behind. And I'm in trepidation of what's ahead.

Throughout this whole journey, I have always had faith in God- although it wavered quite a bit, and I questioned my path at times (like I'm doing now). Again, there has to be a silver lining in all of this. A gift, if you will. I've always been a firm believer in things happening for a reason. And I'm desperately looking for a reason now.

I have a gift in front of me. A gift that came unexpectedly- presented to me in a completely different way than what I had expected. And I'm so hesitant to unwrap, and discover what lays ahead.

Life is GRAND- and it will always be, it's just sometimes hard.
Super Panda

Caught Unaware

For the second time in about a week or so, I was overwhelmingly caught by the feelings of loss and sadness.
Out of nowhere, my grief takes over me, and I have no choice but to cry, and have my heart ache over the loss of my dad.
There are no words that can explain just how much my heart aches when this happens, or just how much I want to crumble down and have all life stop because it's so hard for me to go on for that brief period of time.

Last week, as I was doing some sit ups, free bird started playing on my ipod. For some reason, that song reminds me of my dad. Perhaps it was because I knew he couldn't be tied down to us. He was too ingrained into his world, and having things done his way. He was such a free bird. And I knew he couldn't stay. I saw him, just so we can have closure. And that was how our relationship was meant to work. If he was still alive, I'm sure that we still wouldn't be on good terms. I know that him passing resolved a lot of things, and for that I'm forever grateful. Oh how I just wish I had more time with him!

"If I leave here tomorrow, will you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on now,
Cause there's so many places I've got to see
If I stay here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you cannot change."
(Free Bird- Lynr Skynyrd)

And tonight, while coloring some buttercream, The Cure's "Lovesong" started playing on my itunes... and I just lost it.

"Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again.
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again.

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you."
(Lovesong- The Cure)

I know he'll always love me, no matter how far away. Then that song was followed by John Legend's "I Love, You Love" and that made me cry harder.

"Hush my baby don't you cry.
I'll dry your eyes
Fulfill your hearts desires
Let's go and try again
Careful this time
Broken promises lingering are mine...

But my arms can hold you
My kiss console you
I'll come and love you tonight.

I love, I love, I love
Love hurts sometimes
But this feels right...

Aren't you tired of going along
This lonely road
It takes its toll on you
Give me your emotions
Your heart's devotion
Give anything you like
And I'll give understanding
Life's so demanding
I've all you need to get by."
(I Love, You Love- John Legend)

Dad, wherever you are, I love you and I miss you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't feel empty or missing something. I wish we had more time. I wish you were still here. What I would give to have that happen. But I know it's not possible, and we've got a few years before we see each other again. I know that in the meantime, you are with me every step of the way. I know you love me, and are watching out for me, doing the best you can for me, and mom and my sisters, your grandkids, and everyone else. I love you dad. I wish those were words I said to you sooner. I know you know that. I know you know that I miss you terribly. RIP.

Life is GRAND- even though your heart aches from time to time.
Super Panda