Thursday, August 13, 2009

Today, is the Day Your New Life Begins

OK, it begins on Monday, but still...

It is 4 AM and I cannot go back to sleep.
I feel as if I'm in a state of mourning in so many ways.

For the past few months, I have longed for a new job. I have worked dilligently towards a new career- enrolled in school, sent out resumes, have gone on numerous interviews. And a few of those interviews were so promising.
Yet, a full time teaching position did not materialize.
Up until yesterday, I had some sort of hope that I would get an offer for a teaching position.
But, to my dismay, that did not happen.

What I did get is this...
an offer to work at a great school as a receptionist (and also as a substitute teacher throughout the school year).
A gift wrapped in a completely different package than what I was expecting.
OR clearly, that is how I should look at it as, because there's always a silver lining somewhere.

In so many ways, I feel that a brand new me is emerging. Or it could be the brand new lifestyle that the hubby and I are about to embark on. I am on the cusp, yet I'm finding it so hard to dive right in.
All the fears I have are lingering around. I wonder what made them decide to emerge so late in the game. Or could it have been that they were here all along, yet I just failed to notice them? And if so, how could I have ignored them then, but not now? Not when I'm right on the brink of this new life.

Or the reality of it is, that it could just be my ego talking.
This truly is a humbling change for me.
I am coming from a completely different background/ lifestyle.
At the age of 26, I have made a name for myself in a completely different industry. I was able to buy a house with my husband, and live a life of luxury (by our own standards). And all that is changing. And I'm afraid. Gone are the days when we had so much disposable income. Gone are the days when I could just shop and not care as much about the expense.
Today, the reality of all that is sinking in.

I was a damn good talent manager, if i do say so myself.
I negotiated well, and dealt with vendors and talents well.
Yet somehow, somewhere along the way, I lost the passion for all of it. It could have been when my dad died and I went to the Philippines and saw how much simpler life could be (and of course be happy). Cause I did experience all of that.
I don't know. But it happened, and here I am now.

I sometimes feel like a fool. Throwing away all I have. But, it no longer makes me happy.
So the real question is, why is it then, if it no longer made me happy, that I'm sad to be leaving it all behind?
Perhaps I'm grieving all that I'm leaving behind. And I'm in trepidation of what's ahead.

Throughout this whole journey, I have always had faith in God- although it wavered quite a bit, and I questioned my path at times (like I'm doing now). Again, there has to be a silver lining in all of this. A gift, if you will. I've always been a firm believer in things happening for a reason. And I'm desperately looking for a reason now.

I have a gift in front of me. A gift that came unexpectedly- presented to me in a completely different way than what I had expected. And I'm so hesitant to unwrap, and discover what lays ahead.

Life is GRAND- and it will always be, it's just sometimes hard.
Super Panda

2 comments:

Wildland Firefighter Wives said...

Erika,
I am so happy for this new journey that is happening for you both. Even when we have days of question, we still have to trust that God has it all planned out. I appreciate your friendship and wish nothing but happiness for you.
Love & Hugs,
TRISH

Karen G. said...

I wish I could say, don't despair but I think it's healthy to sulk and gripe for a bit. So, i'll say go ahead and give time to mourn for whatever was lost then afterwards, celebrate this new opportunity!

I really think this is a start of great new journey for you. :)