because sometimes I feel (or rather most of the time) that I am barely staying afloat.
And no one is throwing me a life jacket.
Life is GRAND!
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Jealousy
Sometimes I get jealous of the moms who do it all,
because sometimes I feel (or rather most of the time) that I am barely staying afloat.
And no one is throwing me a life jacket.
Life is GRAND!
because sometimes I feel (or rather most of the time) that I am barely staying afloat.
And no one is throwing me a life jacket.
Life is GRAND!
Monday, October 12, 2009
On my Fridge
On my fridge are letters from my father. Letters from when I was younger. When I was too angry to realize what his words meant. Now here I am, years later, much older and wiser. Smart enough to know that I can never get the time back with my dad. It's too late.
But sometimes, when I'm getting something from the fridge, a phrase or some words from his letters will catch my eye. Like tonight, when I was getting the dog food, I saw "I miss you." And in so many ways, I feel as if he is trying to communicate with me. Like he's trying to tell me something.
And you know what? I miss you too dad, wherever you are.
"And I'll remember
the love that you gave me
now that I'm standing on my own.
And I'll remember
the way that you changed me."
(Madonna)
Life is GRAND- although sometimes painful.
Super Panda
But sometimes, when I'm getting something from the fridge, a phrase or some words from his letters will catch my eye. Like tonight, when I was getting the dog food, I saw "I miss you." And in so many ways, I feel as if he is trying to communicate with me. Like he's trying to tell me something.
And you know what? I miss you too dad, wherever you are.
"And I'll remember
the love that you gave me
now that I'm standing on my own.
And I'll remember
the way that you changed me."
(Madonna)
Life is GRAND- although sometimes painful.
Super Panda
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Today, is the Day Your New Life Begins
OK, it begins on Monday, but still...
It is 4 AM and I cannot go back to sleep.
I feel as if I'm in a state of mourning in so many ways.
For the past few months, I have longed for a new job. I have worked dilligently towards a new career- enrolled in school, sent out resumes, have gone on numerous interviews. And a few of those interviews were so promising.
Yet, a full time teaching position did not materialize.
Up until yesterday, I had some sort of hope that I would get an offer for a teaching position.
But, to my dismay, that did not happen.
What I did get is this...
an offer to work at a great school as a receptionist (and also as a substitute teacher throughout the school year).
A gift wrapped in a completely different package than what I was expecting.
OR clearly, that is how I should look at it as, because there's always a silver lining somewhere.
In so many ways, I feel that a brand new me is emerging. Or it could be the brand new lifestyle that the hubby and I are about to embark on. I am on the cusp, yet I'm finding it so hard to dive right in.
All the fears I have are lingering around. I wonder what made them decide to emerge so late in the game. Or could it have been that they were here all along, yet I just failed to notice them? And if so, how could I have ignored them then, but not now? Not when I'm right on the brink of this new life.
Or the reality of it is, that it could just be my ego talking.
This truly is a humbling change for me.
I am coming from a completely different background/ lifestyle.
At the age of 26, I have made a name for myself in a completely different industry. I was able to buy a house with my husband, and live a life of luxury (by our own standards). And all that is changing. And I'm afraid. Gone are the days when we had so much disposable income. Gone are the days when I could just shop and not care as much about the expense.
Today, the reality of all that is sinking in.
I was a damn good talent manager, if i do say so myself.
I negotiated well, and dealt with vendors and talents well.
Yet somehow, somewhere along the way, I lost the passion for all of it. It could have been when my dad died and I went to the Philippines and saw how much simpler life could be (and of course be happy). Cause I did experience all of that.
I don't know. But it happened, and here I am now.
I sometimes feel like a fool. Throwing away all I have. But, it no longer makes me happy.
So the real question is, why is it then, if it no longer made me happy, that I'm sad to be leaving it all behind?
Perhaps I'm grieving all that I'm leaving behind. And I'm in trepidation of what's ahead.
Throughout this whole journey, I have always had faith in God- although it wavered quite a bit, and I questioned my path at times (like I'm doing now). Again, there has to be a silver lining in all of this. A gift, if you will. I've always been a firm believer in things happening for a reason. And I'm desperately looking for a reason now.
I have a gift in front of me. A gift that came unexpectedly- presented to me in a completely different way than what I had expected. And I'm so hesitant to unwrap, and discover what lays ahead.
Life is GRAND- and it will always be, it's just sometimes hard.
Super Panda
It is 4 AM and I cannot go back to sleep.
I feel as if I'm in a state of mourning in so many ways.
For the past few months, I have longed for a new job. I have worked dilligently towards a new career- enrolled in school, sent out resumes, have gone on numerous interviews. And a few of those interviews were so promising.
Yet, a full time teaching position did not materialize.
Up until yesterday, I had some sort of hope that I would get an offer for a teaching position.
But, to my dismay, that did not happen.
What I did get is this...
an offer to work at a great school as a receptionist (and also as a substitute teacher throughout the school year).
A gift wrapped in a completely different package than what I was expecting.
OR clearly, that is how I should look at it as, because there's always a silver lining somewhere.
In so many ways, I feel that a brand new me is emerging. Or it could be the brand new lifestyle that the hubby and I are about to embark on. I am on the cusp, yet I'm finding it so hard to dive right in.
All the fears I have are lingering around. I wonder what made them decide to emerge so late in the game. Or could it have been that they were here all along, yet I just failed to notice them? And if so, how could I have ignored them then, but not now? Not when I'm right on the brink of this new life.
Or the reality of it is, that it could just be my ego talking.
This truly is a humbling change for me.
I am coming from a completely different background/ lifestyle.
At the age of 26, I have made a name for myself in a completely different industry. I was able to buy a house with my husband, and live a life of luxury (by our own standards). And all that is changing. And I'm afraid. Gone are the days when we had so much disposable income. Gone are the days when I could just shop and not care as much about the expense.
Today, the reality of all that is sinking in.
I was a damn good talent manager, if i do say so myself.
I negotiated well, and dealt with vendors and talents well.
Yet somehow, somewhere along the way, I lost the passion for all of it. It could have been when my dad died and I went to the Philippines and saw how much simpler life could be (and of course be happy). Cause I did experience all of that.
I don't know. But it happened, and here I am now.
I sometimes feel like a fool. Throwing away all I have. But, it no longer makes me happy.
So the real question is, why is it then, if it no longer made me happy, that I'm sad to be leaving it all behind?
Perhaps I'm grieving all that I'm leaving behind. And I'm in trepidation of what's ahead.
Throughout this whole journey, I have always had faith in God- although it wavered quite a bit, and I questioned my path at times (like I'm doing now). Again, there has to be a silver lining in all of this. A gift, if you will. I've always been a firm believer in things happening for a reason. And I'm desperately looking for a reason now.
I have a gift in front of me. A gift that came unexpectedly- presented to me in a completely different way than what I had expected. And I'm so hesitant to unwrap, and discover what lays ahead.
Life is GRAND- and it will always be, it's just sometimes hard.
Super Panda
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Good Bye's
I am not a fan of good bye's. Never have been, and probably never will be.
I get too sentimental. Too attached.
Some may say I care too much.
Perhaps all of the above are true.
In so many ways, I'm quite sure they are.
As I near the final weeks of my stay at Cope Management, the good bye's are pouring in. And just as expected, they are tough moments. Bittersweet is the word.
I am grateful for every single person that has helped foster my career. I wouldn't be where I am today without any of you. I am grateful for all the opportunities my career has afforded me. In my mid 20's, I am/ was making more money than most people my age. I have a great car, a house, and of course a few of life's luxuries. Not to mention a fabulous husband and 2 lovely pups. I also am more confident in myself and my abilities. In my few short years into adulthood, I have accomplished a lot more than I could ever have imagined. I am grateful for all this. Every single experience I've had at Cope Management has shaped me in every way. My family came here from a 3rd world country, and never did Idream that I would be doing what I have been doing for the past few years. It has opened my eyes to so many things and have taught me a lot. Everyday I am grateful for this.
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
I get too sentimental. Too attached.
Some may say I care too much.
Perhaps all of the above are true.
In so many ways, I'm quite sure they are.
As I near the final weeks of my stay at Cope Management, the good bye's are pouring in. And just as expected, they are tough moments. Bittersweet is the word.
I am grateful for every single person that has helped foster my career. I wouldn't be where I am today without any of you. I am grateful for all the opportunities my career has afforded me. In my mid 20's, I am/ was making more money than most people my age. I have a great car, a house, and of course a few of life's luxuries. Not to mention a fabulous husband and 2 lovely pups. I also am more confident in myself and my abilities. In my few short years into adulthood, I have accomplished a lot more than I could ever have imagined. I am grateful for all this. Every single experience I've had at Cope Management has shaped me in every way. My family came here from a 3rd world country, and never did Idream that I would be doing what I have been doing for the past few years. It has opened my eyes to so many things and have taught me a lot. Everyday I am grateful for this.
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Hard Headed
Yep, that would be me.
I keep failing to learn the lesson that's right in front of me.
Which is why I feel like I keep living the exact same nightmare, just presented in different packaging.
I so need to learn to let go, to let God.
To trust.
Because that is the basis and foundation for any relationship.
I know that I will always be provided for, and that things are happening according to plan.
But knowing consciously, and feeling and trusting it wholeheartedly are different things.
Now that I know, the next step is to really feel it and let go.
Let go, Let God.
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
I keep failing to learn the lesson that's right in front of me.
Which is why I feel like I keep living the exact same nightmare, just presented in different packaging.
I so need to learn to let go, to let God.
To trust.
Because that is the basis and foundation for any relationship.
I know that I will always be provided for, and that things are happening according to plan.
But knowing consciously, and feeling and trusting it wholeheartedly are different things.
Now that I know, the next step is to really feel it and let go.
Let go, Let God.
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
Monday, July 27, 2009
Delayed
Yes, my scheduled meeting is not happening tomorrow because jury duty calls... not for me, but for my principal. Oh well, such is life. Things are happening according to God's plan.
And now, for a little venting session.
I most certainly cannot wait until I am out of here. Here meaning my current place of employment.
Everyday something new pops up, but it's mostly a different version of whatever issue my MIL has with me. Her latest issue being that I'm leaving.
And seriously, everyday I put on a happy and brave face. One that says I'm leaving, so I'm doing what I have to do here. But since I'm such a nice person, I'm always accomodating her. And she continues to be cold and mean and rude to me.
Everyday.
I know this has to end someday. I know things have to get better sometime.
When, I'm not quite sure.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Oh, and please help me to endure what's left here. It's not much longer.
Help make the days go by swiftly, and my interactions with her short.
Amen.
Life is GRAND- just a few setbacks, sometimes.
Super Panda
And now, for a little venting session.
I most certainly cannot wait until I am out of here. Here meaning my current place of employment.
Everyday something new pops up, but it's mostly a different version of whatever issue my MIL has with me. Her latest issue being that I'm leaving.
And seriously, everyday I put on a happy and brave face. One that says I'm leaving, so I'm doing what I have to do here. But since I'm such a nice person, I'm always accomodating her. And she continues to be cold and mean and rude to me.
Everyday.
I know this has to end someday. I know things have to get better sometime.
When, I'm not quite sure.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Oh, and please help me to endure what's left here. It's not much longer.
Help make the days go by swiftly, and my interactions with her short.
Amen.
Life is GRAND- just a few setbacks, sometimes.
Super Panda
Friday, July 17, 2009
Caught Unaware
For the second time in about a week or so, I was overwhelmingly caught by the feelings of loss and sadness.
Out of nowhere, my grief takes over me, and I have no choice but to cry, and have my heart ache over the loss of my dad.
There are no words that can explain just how much my heart aches when this happens, or just how much I want to crumble down and have all life stop because it's so hard for me to go on for that brief period of time.
Last week, as I was doing some sit ups, free bird started playing on my ipod. For some reason, that song reminds me of my dad. Perhaps it was because I knew he couldn't be tied down to us. He was too ingrained into his world, and having things done his way. He was such a free bird. And I knew he couldn't stay. I saw him, just so we can have closure. And that was how our relationship was meant to work. If he was still alive, I'm sure that we still wouldn't be on good terms. I know that him passing resolved a lot of things, and for that I'm forever grateful. Oh how I just wish I had more time with him!
"If I leave here tomorrow, will you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on now,
Cause there's so many places I've got to see
If I stay here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you cannot change."
(Free Bird- Lynr Skynyrd)
And tonight, while coloring some buttercream, The Cure's "Lovesong" started playing on my itunes... and I just lost it.
"Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again.
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again.
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you."
(Lovesong- The Cure)
I know he'll always love me, no matter how far away. Then that song was followed by John Legend's "I Love, You Love" and that made me cry harder.
"Hush my baby don't you cry.
I'll dry your eyes
Fulfill your hearts desires
Let's go and try again
Careful this time
Broken promises lingering are mine...
But my arms can hold you
My kiss console you
I'll come and love you tonight.
I love, I love, I love
Love hurts sometimes
But this feels right...
Aren't you tired of going along
This lonely road
It takes its toll on you
Give me your emotions
Your heart's devotion
Give anything you like
And I'll give understanding
Life's so demanding
I've all you need to get by."
(I Love, You Love- John Legend)
Dad, wherever you are, I love you and I miss you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't feel empty or missing something. I wish we had more time. I wish you were still here. What I would give to have that happen. But I know it's not possible, and we've got a few years before we see each other again. I know that in the meantime, you are with me every step of the way. I know you love me, and are watching out for me, doing the best you can for me, and mom and my sisters, your grandkids, and everyone else. I love you dad. I wish those were words I said to you sooner. I know you know that. I know you know that I miss you terribly. RIP.
Life is GRAND- even though your heart aches from time to time.
Super Panda
Out of nowhere, my grief takes over me, and I have no choice but to cry, and have my heart ache over the loss of my dad.
There are no words that can explain just how much my heart aches when this happens, or just how much I want to crumble down and have all life stop because it's so hard for me to go on for that brief period of time.
Last week, as I was doing some sit ups, free bird started playing on my ipod. For some reason, that song reminds me of my dad. Perhaps it was because I knew he couldn't be tied down to us. He was too ingrained into his world, and having things done his way. He was such a free bird. And I knew he couldn't stay. I saw him, just so we can have closure. And that was how our relationship was meant to work. If he was still alive, I'm sure that we still wouldn't be on good terms. I know that him passing resolved a lot of things, and for that I'm forever grateful. Oh how I just wish I had more time with him!
"If I leave here tomorrow, will you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on now,
Cause there's so many places I've got to see
If I stay here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you cannot change."
(Free Bird- Lynr Skynyrd)
And tonight, while coloring some buttercream, The Cure's "Lovesong" started playing on my itunes... and I just lost it.
"Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again.
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again.
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you."
(Lovesong- The Cure)
I know he'll always love me, no matter how far away. Then that song was followed by John Legend's "I Love, You Love" and that made me cry harder.
"Hush my baby don't you cry.
I'll dry your eyes
Fulfill your hearts desires
Let's go and try again
Careful this time
Broken promises lingering are mine...
But my arms can hold you
My kiss console you
I'll come and love you tonight.
I love, I love, I love
Love hurts sometimes
But this feels right...
Aren't you tired of going along
This lonely road
It takes its toll on you
Give me your emotions
Your heart's devotion
Give anything you like
And I'll give understanding
Life's so demanding
I've all you need to get by."
(I Love, You Love- John Legend)
Dad, wherever you are, I love you and I miss you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't feel empty or missing something. I wish we had more time. I wish you were still here. What I would give to have that happen. But I know it's not possible, and we've got a few years before we see each other again. I know that in the meantime, you are with me every step of the way. I know you love me, and are watching out for me, doing the best you can for me, and mom and my sisters, your grandkids, and everyone else. I love you dad. I wish those were words I said to you sooner. I know you know that. I know you know that I miss you terribly. RIP.
Life is GRAND- even though your heart aches from time to time.
Super Panda
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I KNOW what's best for ME...
It is my life after all.
I have taken the high road on most of the stuff that has gone on with my MIL as of late.
And that's what I'm continuing to do. Just when I thought we were moving on, and working on repairing our broken relationship, it seems that she's still harboring a major issue. The issue being that I'm on my way out.
She seems to not be able to handle this. Just today, I found out that she doesn't support my choice. She thinks that I'm making a terrible mistake, because she has friends that hate their teaching jobs. Could it be that they're just too old, and perhaps, just maybe need to retire? I mean, clearly, if you don't enjoy what you're doing, then perhaps you should no longer be doing it.
Hence the reason I'm leaving... cause I no longer enjoy what I do. It was never my dream to work for her, granted it has given me many tremendous opportunities that I am and will forever be grateful for.
I think the reason why I'm having such a hard time with this whole thing regarding my MIL is because at one time, she was my mentor. I looked up to her tremendously. And I guess as the saying goes, "you should never put anyone on a pedestal, because sooner or later, they will fall, and you will just be disappointed." And that's exactly what's going on. I admired her, and truly believed her to be a certain way. I refused to see her faults, and look where we are now. I am so bothered that she thinks I'm making a mistake by leaving. My reasons for leaving may not be the right or the best reasons for her, but the reality of it is, they are the BEST and the RIGHT reasons for me (and the hubby). In the end, that's all that truly matters.
So, really... I know that she might be disappointed because my choices strongly differ from hers. This is MY life. It feels so free and empowering to be making decisions for me, for once in my life. The choices I've made in the past were always made to make someone else happy. That's done now.
I'mma do me. And it's a great feeling.
So, to the naysayers, watch me... I'm making the right choices and changes are on their way. I'm one day closer, everyday.
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
I have taken the high road on most of the stuff that has gone on with my MIL as of late.
And that's what I'm continuing to do. Just when I thought we were moving on, and working on repairing our broken relationship, it seems that she's still harboring a major issue. The issue being that I'm on my way out.
She seems to not be able to handle this. Just today, I found out that she doesn't support my choice. She thinks that I'm making a terrible mistake, because she has friends that hate their teaching jobs. Could it be that they're just too old, and perhaps, just maybe need to retire? I mean, clearly, if you don't enjoy what you're doing, then perhaps you should no longer be doing it.
Hence the reason I'm leaving... cause I no longer enjoy what I do. It was never my dream to work for her, granted it has given me many tremendous opportunities that I am and will forever be grateful for.
I think the reason why I'm having such a hard time with this whole thing regarding my MIL is because at one time, she was my mentor. I looked up to her tremendously. And I guess as the saying goes, "you should never put anyone on a pedestal, because sooner or later, they will fall, and you will just be disappointed." And that's exactly what's going on. I admired her, and truly believed her to be a certain way. I refused to see her faults, and look where we are now. I am so bothered that she thinks I'm making a mistake by leaving. My reasons for leaving may not be the right or the best reasons for her, but the reality of it is, they are the BEST and the RIGHT reasons for me (and the hubby). In the end, that's all that truly matters.
So, really... I know that she might be disappointed because my choices strongly differ from hers. This is MY life. It feels so free and empowering to be making decisions for me, for once in my life. The choices I've made in the past were always made to make someone else happy. That's done now.
I'mma do me. And it's a great feeling.
So, to the naysayers, watch me... I'm making the right choices and changes are on their way. I'm one day closer, everyday.
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
UGH!
As most of you know, this is an all encompassing word for me.
And really, it sums up everything I'm feeling at the moment.
I am incredibly overwhelmed, frustrated, emotional, and exhausted.
This week is proving to be tough.
I have my second interview tomorrow. I have my lesson plan typed out, ready to be given to the principal. I have my notes typed and ready for me to go through, except I'm nervous as hell about being in front of little kids. Crazy right?
I need to make sure that today, Tuesday, is ALL about my interview for the next day.
Then the rest of the week, I can focus on making the cake that I need to have finished by Saturday afternoon.
Cakes baked- check.
Simple syrup made- check.
Still need to:
Make buttercream (choclate frosting, plus colors- red, yellow, orange)
Make filling
Fill and carve cake
Crumb Coat cake
Dot transfer
Pipe decorations
I see sleepless nights beginning Wednesday night. Oh wait, that started already.
I thought I'd get a head start and bake the cakes early. Didn't work out so well.
Cakes crumbled quick.
I'm on my 3rd batch. I'm hoping they hold.
Oh, and yes, here's the icing on the cake (no pun intended), it's period week.
I am an emotional wreck. Lucky the hubby's working a 24 tonight.
Life is GRAND- just a little too full sometimes!
Super Panda
And really, it sums up everything I'm feeling at the moment.
I am incredibly overwhelmed, frustrated, emotional, and exhausted.
This week is proving to be tough.
I have my second interview tomorrow. I have my lesson plan typed out, ready to be given to the principal. I have my notes typed and ready for me to go through, except I'm nervous as hell about being in front of little kids. Crazy right?
I need to make sure that today, Tuesday, is ALL about my interview for the next day.
Then the rest of the week, I can focus on making the cake that I need to have finished by Saturday afternoon.
Cakes baked- check.
Simple syrup made- check.
Still need to:
Make buttercream (choclate frosting, plus colors- red, yellow, orange)
Make filling
Fill and carve cake
Crumb Coat cake
Dot transfer
Pipe decorations
I see sleepless nights beginning Wednesday night. Oh wait, that started already.
I thought I'd get a head start and bake the cakes early. Didn't work out so well.
Cakes crumbled quick.
I'm on my 3rd batch. I'm hoping they hold.
Oh, and yes, here's the icing on the cake (no pun intended), it's period week.
I am an emotional wreck. Lucky the hubby's working a 24 tonight.
Life is GRAND- just a little too full sometimes!
Super Panda
Friday, July 10, 2009
A Good Bye, Good Luck Letter
I need to let go of the past, and that which I cannot control. I know things will still be functioning without me. I can only hope and have faith in that.
So, here's my release as I move on to the next chapter of my life.
Dear Wendy,
As you know, I've never been a big fan of you. And up until now, I'm still not your biggest fan. This is a hurdle that I have to definitely overcome, as I begin to get ready to hand over to you what I've built and established for the past few years. Am I scared? Yes. Am I worried? Yes. I'm a mixture of emotions regarding all this. My anxiety lies in the fact that Cope Management has such great talents. Many whom I consider to be family because of the close knit bond we've developed through the years. When you were last here, we all had to pull together and deal with what you left behind. Please treat them gently. With care. They are such amazing, kind and generous people, and they deserve to be working- EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
I know you play favorites. Please try not to do that this time. Again, every single one of our talents should be working. Just like they are now with me at the wheel.
Asides from the talents, please take care of our vendors too. There's no job too small that you can't take care of. Whether it's ADR, non- union, low budget, whatever- take it. You cannot turn away work. I have made it a point to be the go to gal for a lot of producers and companies out there- mainly because I work with their budget. Please do the same. Observe the length of time it takes you to get auditions over to vendors. That's important too. It's important to get repeat business. That's how we grow- they know they can rely on us, and in turn, word spreads.
As I'm sure you can only imagine, things have definitely changed since you were last here. Please observe those changes, and if need be, let go or change the ones that don't work for you. I know that both you and I just want this business to grow. Do know that just because my heart is no longer in it, and I'm moving on, it DOES NOT (in anyway) mean that I don't care. In fact, I care more than people realize. I care that's why I'm leaving. I know that I'm no longer the person that can do the job. I know that I'm no longer the person this business requires me to be. I know all that, and it is with that knowledge that I'm leaving this business, the talents, and the vendors. We may not like each other, but we can definitely be united in our goal of having the talents at Cope Management succeed.
Yours Truly,
Super Panda
I am releasing this situation, and I am bless it wholeheartedly.
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
So, here's my release as I move on to the next chapter of my life.
Dear Wendy,
As you know, I've never been a big fan of you. And up until now, I'm still not your biggest fan. This is a hurdle that I have to definitely overcome, as I begin to get ready to hand over to you what I've built and established for the past few years. Am I scared? Yes. Am I worried? Yes. I'm a mixture of emotions regarding all this. My anxiety lies in the fact that Cope Management has such great talents. Many whom I consider to be family because of the close knit bond we've developed through the years. When you were last here, we all had to pull together and deal with what you left behind. Please treat them gently. With care. They are such amazing, kind and generous people, and they deserve to be working- EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
I know you play favorites. Please try not to do that this time. Again, every single one of our talents should be working. Just like they are now with me at the wheel.
Asides from the talents, please take care of our vendors too. There's no job too small that you can't take care of. Whether it's ADR, non- union, low budget, whatever- take it. You cannot turn away work. I have made it a point to be the go to gal for a lot of producers and companies out there- mainly because I work with their budget. Please do the same. Observe the length of time it takes you to get auditions over to vendors. That's important too. It's important to get repeat business. That's how we grow- they know they can rely on us, and in turn, word spreads.
As I'm sure you can only imagine, things have definitely changed since you were last here. Please observe those changes, and if need be, let go or change the ones that don't work for you. I know that both you and I just want this business to grow. Do know that just because my heart is no longer in it, and I'm moving on, it DOES NOT (in anyway) mean that I don't care. In fact, I care more than people realize. I care that's why I'm leaving. I know that I'm no longer the person that can do the job. I know that I'm no longer the person this business requires me to be. I know all that, and it is with that knowledge that I'm leaving this business, the talents, and the vendors. We may not like each other, but we can definitely be united in our goal of having the talents at Cope Management succeed.
Yours Truly,
Super Panda
I am releasing this situation, and I am bless it wholeheartedly.
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Jingle Jangle, A Mixture of Emotions
So today, I am having a bit of a hard time.
I am in a transition phase. An in- between stage.
The girl who is taking over my position is waiting to start. They are getting her all good and ready. Her cell phone is ready and waiting. She has her email account set up.
Meanwhile, I am here, waiting to be offered a fabulous teaching position.
Watching someone take over the relationships I've built. The friendships I've developed. The life I've created.
It is a struggle. On the one hand, I love the people I've met and have enjoyed doing what I've been doing for years. On the other, it's just not right for me anymore. It is no longer a part of my identity.
BUT it is still an identity that I'm in the process of shedding. And this definitely makes it a lot harder. Especially because I'm not sure where I'm heading yet. As of now, no job offer. I know there's a plan for me. That I know for sure. It's coming... I'm one day closer to it :)
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
I am in a transition phase. An in- between stage.
The girl who is taking over my position is waiting to start. They are getting her all good and ready. Her cell phone is ready and waiting. She has her email account set up.
Meanwhile, I am here, waiting to be offered a fabulous teaching position.
Watching someone take over the relationships I've built. The friendships I've developed. The life I've created.
It is a struggle. On the one hand, I love the people I've met and have enjoyed doing what I've been doing for years. On the other, it's just not right for me anymore. It is no longer a part of my identity.
BUT it is still an identity that I'm in the process of shedding. And this definitely makes it a lot harder. Especially because I'm not sure where I'm heading yet. As of now, no job offer. I know there's a plan for me. That I know for sure. It's coming... I'm one day closer to it :)
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
Friday, July 3, 2009
Friday Fun Day Special Edition
Special Edition because it was a full day of events.
No work. All play.
Here's what took place:
I slept in (thank goodness because I can't remember the last time I did this).
Got ready to watch The Proposal with the teacher and my bridesmaid (ok, she was my bridesmaid from some time ago- yes, she needs a new name). Before meeting up with the gals, I saw my nieces and nephew- great time with them, always.
Anyhow, the gals and I ate some Thai food, saw the movie, and relaxed by the pool. DEF GREAT TIMES!
Then the teacher and I got ready to go meet up with Miss K and the girl from junior high. Fun times there too! Tapas and a drink, and some dessert. What a night! Girl talk too! Great company, Good times!
Thank you ladies- every single one of you. I had a lovely time, and we def need to do it again.
So, here's the job update...
I had a fab interview on Thursday for a school in Atwater.
Huge possibility of me getting a teaching job. And if I don't, oh well, it's not meant to be, and the right one will come along. BUT I really feel like this is it.
It's for 6th grade homeroom with an emphasis on Math and Science. So, here I am reviewing math and science. I'm excited, scared, anxious, but most of all grateful that I will have a job for the following school year.
The principal emailed me telling me that I should think about math and science, and that she will call me next week.
We shall see what happens.
Anyhow, I hope everyone has a lovely 4th! I am wishing that the hubby is off tomorrow so we can spend the day together.
BTW- go see Public Enemies. Totes fab!!
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
No work. All play.
Here's what took place:
I slept in (thank goodness because I can't remember the last time I did this).
Got ready to watch The Proposal with the teacher and my bridesmaid (ok, she was my bridesmaid from some time ago- yes, she needs a new name). Before meeting up with the gals, I saw my nieces and nephew- great time with them, always.
Anyhow, the gals and I ate some Thai food, saw the movie, and relaxed by the pool. DEF GREAT TIMES!
Then the teacher and I got ready to go meet up with Miss K and the girl from junior high. Fun times there too! Tapas and a drink, and some dessert. What a night! Girl talk too! Great company, Good times!
Thank you ladies- every single one of you. I had a lovely time, and we def need to do it again.
So, here's the job update...
I had a fab interview on Thursday for a school in Atwater.
Huge possibility of me getting a teaching job. And if I don't, oh well, it's not meant to be, and the right one will come along. BUT I really feel like this is it.
It's for 6th grade homeroom with an emphasis on Math and Science. So, here I am reviewing math and science. I'm excited, scared, anxious, but most of all grateful that I will have a job for the following school year.
The principal emailed me telling me that I should think about math and science, and that she will call me next week.
We shall see what happens.
Anyhow, I hope everyone has a lovely 4th! I am wishing that the hubby is off tomorrow so we can spend the day together.
BTW- go see Public Enemies. Totes fab!!
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
Thursday, July 2, 2009
A Brand New Day
I am in a fabulous disposition today.
I have so much excitement inside that I can barely contain it :)
Thanks to my gals for a wonderful meeting last night.
It is always a pleasure to sit and chat and share with you.
You are all definitely my angels.
Ok, on top of all this- it's a 3 1/2 day weekend for me. Hooray!
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
I have so much excitement inside that I can barely contain it :)
Thanks to my gals for a wonderful meeting last night.
It is always a pleasure to sit and chat and share with you.
You are all definitely my angels.
Ok, on top of all this- it's a 3 1/2 day weekend for me. Hooray!
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
A broken heart
Or more so a broken spirit.
That's what I have.
At this moment, while sitting here in my office, typing this, I am trying to stop myself from breaking down in tears.
I am beginning to feel hopeless about the prospect of finding a teaching job for the Fall 2009 school year. No one's responding to my resume. Or phone calls, or emails.
Plus, the only other school that seemed interested called me today to tell me that the position has been filled. I didn't even get called in for an interview.
There's one school in Simi Valley that still has an 8th grade teaching position open. I am desperately praying they'll call me in for that.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Life is GRAND- I'm sure, just not right now.
Super Panda
That's what I have.
At this moment, while sitting here in my office, typing this, I am trying to stop myself from breaking down in tears.
I am beginning to feel hopeless about the prospect of finding a teaching job for the Fall 2009 school year. No one's responding to my resume. Or phone calls, or emails.
Plus, the only other school that seemed interested called me today to tell me that the position has been filled. I didn't even get called in for an interview.
There's one school in Simi Valley that still has an 8th grade teaching position open. I am desperately praying they'll call me in for that.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Life is GRAND- I'm sure, just not right now.
Super Panda
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
A Renewed Sense of Hope
It is only mid June.
I know I will have a job by September.
Things have to be looking up.
That's just the way things flow- one minute you're down, the next up.
I know I am definitely on my way up.
Also, I am definitely going to start turning my oven on more frequently.
The bakery is now open for business.
I need to start generating whatever income I can, and this is one way for me to do it.
Please put in orders :)
I do need a name for my side biz though.
Ideas are welcome!
Things are beginning to look up.
I know change is scary. I know that there's a lot of unknown to this.
However, I also do know that we'll be taken care of. We always have been blessed.
And we will continue to be. We just need to have faith.
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
I know I will have a job by September.
Things have to be looking up.
That's just the way things flow- one minute you're down, the next up.
I know I am definitely on my way up.
Also, I am definitely going to start turning my oven on more frequently.
The bakery is now open for business.
I need to start generating whatever income I can, and this is one way for me to do it.
Please put in orders :)
I do need a name for my side biz though.
Ideas are welcome!
Things are beginning to look up.
I know change is scary. I know that there's a lot of unknown to this.
However, I also do know that we'll be taken care of. We always have been blessed.
And we will continue to be. We just need to have faith.
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Sometimes I feel like a fool
That I am looking for a job in today's job market.
When I have a perfectly OK one. One that pays my bills.
Granted it may not make me happy, but it does keep me sheltered and feed amongst a few other things.
And now... because of my unwillingness to settle, I find my self in rocky, unstable territory.
UGH!
What to do now??
These are the times when I really wish I had a fairy godmother who would just come and tell me that everything's going to be okay. That I have made all the right choices and that everything will turn out great in the end.
Oh, where are you fairy godmother?
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
When I have a perfectly OK one. One that pays my bills.
Granted it may not make me happy, but it does keep me sheltered and feed amongst a few other things.
And now... because of my unwillingness to settle, I find my self in rocky, unstable territory.
UGH!
What to do now??
These are the times when I really wish I had a fairy godmother who would just come and tell me that everything's going to be okay. That I have made all the right choices and that everything will turn out great in the end.
Oh, where are you fairy godmother?
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
Monday, June 8, 2009
FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVE
Last week found me incredibly down.
Waaaay
d
o
w
n
I think I was at my lowest point (but the funny thing is, everytime I think this, something else happens that makes me think otherwise). I didn't even know how I was going to pull myself out of the depression, worry and anxiety that surrounded me.
Thank goodness for great girlfriends, and a wonderful husband. Because I really believe they're the ones that got me through it.
The teacher, and fro girl helped me out. And Mastermind did too.
After our meeting yesterday, I've decided to just focus all my energy on attracting the positive. Come what may!
I know that since I saw the payscale that the principal showed me, I've been anxious and nervous as to how we'll make it financially. While that's still a concern, it's not the be all, end all. There are other things that I need to think about.
So, in some ways, I've come to a resolution...
If I have to stay where I'm at for one more year (for us to be able to smoothly transition), then so be it. I can start looking for teaching jobs earlier next school year, and I'd be in a better position because I would have been in school already. If I find a teaching job for the Fall 2009 school year that will offer me more financially than what the previous interview did, then great!
Bottom line is that I just have to be open to all possibilities.
Things will work for the best- the way they should.
And I just have to TRUST in that.
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
Waaaay
d
o
w
n
I think I was at my lowest point (but the funny thing is, everytime I think this, something else happens that makes me think otherwise). I didn't even know how I was going to pull myself out of the depression, worry and anxiety that surrounded me.
Thank goodness for great girlfriends, and a wonderful husband. Because I really believe they're the ones that got me through it.
The teacher, and fro girl helped me out. And Mastermind did too.
After our meeting yesterday, I've decided to just focus all my energy on attracting the positive. Come what may!
I know that since I saw the payscale that the principal showed me, I've been anxious and nervous as to how we'll make it financially. While that's still a concern, it's not the be all, end all. There are other things that I need to think about.
So, in some ways, I've come to a resolution...
If I have to stay where I'm at for one more year (for us to be able to smoothly transition), then so be it. I can start looking for teaching jobs earlier next school year, and I'd be in a better position because I would have been in school already. If I find a teaching job for the Fall 2009 school year that will offer me more financially than what the previous interview did, then great!
Bottom line is that I just have to be open to all possibilities.
Things will work for the best- the way they should.
And I just have to TRUST in that.
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Closing a Chapter
Sometime this afternoon, my MIL approached me and asked me to come in to her office. I obliged. Not that I really had a choice :)
We talked shop for a bit, but then the inevitable "talk" happened.
She asked me what my plans are... I asked her if she meant in the long run and she said yes.
And so I did myself and her a favor and told her about my plans about becoming a teacher. I told her this was the reason I was going back to school- to earn my masters and credentials. I told her that I'm grateful for everything she's done for me, but I do believe this is the right step for me because we're planning on starting a family soon, and I want to be able to have time with my children.
She asked me a few basic questions- how are we going to make it financially?
If I'm sure. And then others I cannot remember.
I told her I'm not quite sure of the answers, but that we'd figure it out somehow. That we've always been taken care of, and that I just have to trust and believe that we're going to be okay.
She laid out the rules- told me I cannot tell any talents, nor any vendors. I agreed. I did tell her that I told the Halfie, because after all, she is one of my closest friends. We still have to work out logistics- time frames, etc. but I think we're going to be ok. I know she needed to know so that her business is taken care of, as well as our talents. I would never have taken that right away from her by simply leaving with no more than a few weeks notice.
She told me that she wishes nothing but the best for me, and that she thinks this will be better for both of us. I told her I hope for the same.
So with that, my friends, I have been liberated.
Not fired- because I still have a job and still work here, but I've been given the green light.
Given the green light to pursue my dreams, with no guilt or shame.
BITTERSWEET. That's the word that comes to mind. Bitter because I have met a ton of people, and have enjoyed all the perks and allowances that my job provided (and still continues to provide). Sweet because I feel free- free to live my own life, have a career of my choosing, rather than just living out someone's idea of what my life should be like, and also because I now feel so much more in control of my own destiny. Much more so than I have ever felt.
I am also a wee bit scared- scared that I may not have a job anytime soon. Scared that we may not make it.
HOWEVER, those have have never been options for me. And clearly, they still are not options for me, so I won't indulge. I do however, reserve the right to once in a while vent and air out my frustrations and fear.
But for now, I will bask in the moment. Bask in how peaceful everything came about.
There were no tears, no mean comments, no below the belt remarks. It actually felt like a conversation that we should have had a long time ago. It was a conversation that felt sincere and genuine.
And for that I am grateful. I certainly could not have imagined it going this well, no matter how many times I've replayed this scenario in my head.
I feel that things are progressing. In their own way. Things are happening just as they're supposed to.
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
We talked shop for a bit, but then the inevitable "talk" happened.
She asked me what my plans are... I asked her if she meant in the long run and she said yes.
And so I did myself and her a favor and told her about my plans about becoming a teacher. I told her this was the reason I was going back to school- to earn my masters and credentials. I told her that I'm grateful for everything she's done for me, but I do believe this is the right step for me because we're planning on starting a family soon, and I want to be able to have time with my children.
She asked me a few basic questions- how are we going to make it financially?
If I'm sure. And then others I cannot remember.
I told her I'm not quite sure of the answers, but that we'd figure it out somehow. That we've always been taken care of, and that I just have to trust and believe that we're going to be okay.
She laid out the rules- told me I cannot tell any talents, nor any vendors. I agreed. I did tell her that I told the Halfie, because after all, she is one of my closest friends. We still have to work out logistics- time frames, etc. but I think we're going to be ok. I know she needed to know so that her business is taken care of, as well as our talents. I would never have taken that right away from her by simply leaving with no more than a few weeks notice.
She told me that she wishes nothing but the best for me, and that she thinks this will be better for both of us. I told her I hope for the same.
So with that, my friends, I have been liberated.
Not fired- because I still have a job and still work here, but I've been given the green light.
Given the green light to pursue my dreams, with no guilt or shame.
BITTERSWEET. That's the word that comes to mind. Bitter because I have met a ton of people, and have enjoyed all the perks and allowances that my job provided (and still continues to provide). Sweet because I feel free- free to live my own life, have a career of my choosing, rather than just living out someone's idea of what my life should be like, and also because I now feel so much more in control of my own destiny. Much more so than I have ever felt.
I am also a wee bit scared- scared that I may not have a job anytime soon. Scared that we may not make it.
HOWEVER, those have have never been options for me. And clearly, they still are not options for me, so I won't indulge. I do however, reserve the right to once in a while vent and air out my frustrations and fear.
But for now, I will bask in the moment. Bask in how peaceful everything came about.
There were no tears, no mean comments, no below the belt remarks. It actually felt like a conversation that we should have had a long time ago. It was a conversation that felt sincere and genuine.
And for that I am grateful. I certainly could not have imagined it going this well, no matter how many times I've replayed this scenario in my head.
I feel that things are progressing. In their own way. Things are happening just as they're supposed to.
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
Monday, June 1, 2009
A Re-occuring Feeling.
Sometimes I can't help but feel that I've somehow failed.
Failed that I can't make it and endure what I'm doing now.
Failed because one day I was on top, and then the next, not so much.
I completely fell off the path.
Failed because as a young child, it was always ingrained in me at school that I'm meant for great things.
And somehow, the spot that I'm in now doesn't seem so great.
I think that sometimes I'm really torn between having it all and being happy. I know they're not synonymous.
However, sometimes, like tonight, I have a hard time trying to reconcile the events that have lead me to where I am now. That each event has been a stepping stone to my true self. They are all parts of one, each making room for the other as I progress into reaching my full potential.
While there is no question in my mind about the pursuit of my happiness, I can't help but feel a little sad for what I am leaving behind. The paychecks for one. The glitz and glamour of what I do, another. However, deep down, I know that these things are not part of my core. They are not part of who I truly am. They are simply things that I've used to define myself in the past.
And as I move into this new phase of my life- the one where I have a better sense of who I am, what I want, and who I want to be, I find myself slightly reminiscing about those days where it was simply enough to just have it all. Unfortunately for me, having it all did not mean I would be happy.
And so now, I'm on my journey to happiness. And really, on my journey to becoming me... growing into my own.
As the Brit always says, everything that's happening is just getting me ready for the next step. And I whole heartedly believe in that. Mostly because I've noticed that my priorities have changed immensely. I'm no longer defined by what I have, but rather who I am and what I stand for... even though sometimes, I still get a little lost in the simplicity of the things that used to mean so much more to me.
I know I have to embrace it all. That they are all parts of what make me whole.
It's just really a trip sometimes when I look back, even just a few months ago, when I realize that what was important back then is no longer important now, and vice versa.
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
Failed that I can't make it and endure what I'm doing now.
Failed because one day I was on top, and then the next, not so much.
I completely fell off the path.
Failed because as a young child, it was always ingrained in me at school that I'm meant for great things.
And somehow, the spot that I'm in now doesn't seem so great.
I think that sometimes I'm really torn between having it all and being happy. I know they're not synonymous.
However, sometimes, like tonight, I have a hard time trying to reconcile the events that have lead me to where I am now. That each event has been a stepping stone to my true self. They are all parts of one, each making room for the other as I progress into reaching my full potential.
While there is no question in my mind about the pursuit of my happiness, I can't help but feel a little sad for what I am leaving behind. The paychecks for one. The glitz and glamour of what I do, another. However, deep down, I know that these things are not part of my core. They are not part of who I truly am. They are simply things that I've used to define myself in the past.
And as I move into this new phase of my life- the one where I have a better sense of who I am, what I want, and who I want to be, I find myself slightly reminiscing about those days where it was simply enough to just have it all. Unfortunately for me, having it all did not mean I would be happy.
And so now, I'm on my journey to happiness. And really, on my journey to becoming me... growing into my own.
As the Brit always says, everything that's happening is just getting me ready for the next step. And I whole heartedly believe in that. Mostly because I've noticed that my priorities have changed immensely. I'm no longer defined by what I have, but rather who I am and what I stand for... even though sometimes, I still get a little lost in the simplicity of the things that used to mean so much more to me.
I know I have to embrace it all. That they are all parts of what make me whole.
It's just really a trip sometimes when I look back, even just a few months ago, when I realize that what was important back then is no longer important now, and vice versa.
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
A Little of This, A Little of That
Today wasn't as bad as I imagined it turning out to be.
The Brit had mentioned that I was totally giving off feelings of anxiety and nervousness, which she picked up on this morning at spinning.
I kept it professional. No discussions about my personal life, the hubby... strictly work. It works best for me that way- except I was totally anticipating her bringing up certain things. Thank goodness she didn't.
I think having her there makes me want to find a new job even more. It's like added incentive.
I def hope to find something for the upcoming school year. When I was talking to the Halfie today (AKA The Friend That Got Away), she had mentioned that the thought of me working there for another year, even another month seems too long.
I couldn't agree more.
I am just trying to get along though. I need to get along so that I can move on. I cannot wait.
When I wake up in the morning, I have to gear myself up for the day- for all the pretending that I have to do. At the end of the day, I am exhausted. Unfortunately, 5 days out of the week, the cycle just repeats itself.
I just have to keep consoling myself with the thought that things will get better, and that I will eventually be moving on.
It also doesn't hurt that I have a loving husband who stands by me.
We make a great team, he and I. I am incredibly lucky to have him in my life.
He passed his final today. Yay! Graduation is 17 days away.
I am so incredibly proud of him.
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
The Brit had mentioned that I was totally giving off feelings of anxiety and nervousness, which she picked up on this morning at spinning.
I kept it professional. No discussions about my personal life, the hubby... strictly work. It works best for me that way- except I was totally anticipating her bringing up certain things. Thank goodness she didn't.
I think having her there makes me want to find a new job even more. It's like added incentive.
I def hope to find something for the upcoming school year. When I was talking to the Halfie today (AKA The Friend That Got Away), she had mentioned that the thought of me working there for another year, even another month seems too long.
I couldn't agree more.
I am just trying to get along though. I need to get along so that I can move on. I cannot wait.
When I wake up in the morning, I have to gear myself up for the day- for all the pretending that I have to do. At the end of the day, I am exhausted. Unfortunately, 5 days out of the week, the cycle just repeats itself.
I just have to keep consoling myself with the thought that things will get better, and that I will eventually be moving on.
It also doesn't hurt that I have a loving husband who stands by me.
We make a great team, he and I. I am incredibly lucky to have him in my life.
He passed his final today. Yay! Graduation is 17 days away.
I am so incredibly proud of him.
Life is GRAND!
Super Panda
