Monday, June 1, 2009

A Re-occuring Feeling.

Sometimes I can't help but feel that I've somehow failed.
Failed that I can't make it and endure what I'm doing now.
Failed because one day I was on top, and then the next, not so much.
I completely fell off the path.
Failed because as a young child, it was always ingrained in me at school that I'm meant for great things.
And somehow, the spot that I'm in now doesn't seem so great.
I think that sometimes I'm really torn between having it all and being happy. I know they're not synonymous.
However, sometimes, like tonight, I have a hard time trying to reconcile the events that have lead me to where I am now. That each event has been a stepping stone to my true self. They are all parts of one, each making room for the other as I progress into reaching my full potential.
While there is no question in my mind about the pursuit of my happiness, I can't help but feel a little sad for what I am leaving behind. The paychecks for one. The glitz and glamour of what I do, another. However, deep down, I know that these things are not part of my core. They are not part of who I truly am. They are simply things that I've used to define myself in the past.
And as I move into this new phase of my life- the one where I have a better sense of who I am, what I want, and who I want to be, I find myself slightly reminiscing about those days where it was simply enough to just have it all. Unfortunately for me, having it all did not mean I would be happy.
And so now, I'm on my journey to happiness. And really, on my journey to becoming me... growing into my own.
As the Brit always says, everything that's happening is just getting me ready for the next step. And I whole heartedly believe in that. Mostly because I've noticed that my priorities have changed immensely. I'm no longer defined by what I have, but rather who I am and what I stand for... even though sometimes, I still get a little lost in the simplicity of the things that used to mean so much more to me.
I know I have to embrace it all. That they are all parts of what make me whole.
It's just really a trip sometimes when I look back, even just a few months ago, when I realize that what was important back then is no longer important now, and vice versa.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

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