Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Closing a Chapter

Sometime this afternoon, my MIL approached me and asked me to come in to her office. I obliged. Not that I really had a choice :)

We talked shop for a bit, but then the inevitable "talk" happened.

She asked me what my plans are... I asked her if she meant in the long run and she said yes.

And so I did myself and her a favor and told her about my plans about becoming a teacher. I told her this was the reason I was going back to school- to earn my masters and credentials. I told her that I'm grateful for everything she's done for me, but I do believe this is the right step for me because we're planning on starting a family soon, and I want to be able to have time with my children.

She asked me a few basic questions- how are we going to make it financially?
If I'm sure. And then others I cannot remember.
I told her I'm not quite sure of the answers, but that we'd figure it out somehow. That we've always been taken care of, and that I just have to trust and believe that we're going to be okay.

She laid out the rules- told me I cannot tell any talents, nor any vendors. I agreed. I did tell her that I told the Halfie, because after all, she is one of my closest friends. We still have to work out logistics- time frames, etc. but I think we're going to be ok. I know she needed to know so that her business is taken care of, as well as our talents. I would never have taken that right away from her by simply leaving with no more than a few weeks notice.

She told me that she wishes nothing but the best for me, and that she thinks this will be better for both of us. I told her I hope for the same.

So with that, my friends, I have been liberated.
Not fired- because I still have a job and still work here, but I've been given the green light.
Given the green light to pursue my dreams, with no guilt or shame.

BITTERSWEET. That's the word that comes to mind. Bitter because I have met a ton of people, and have enjoyed all the perks and allowances that my job provided (and still continues to provide). Sweet because I feel free- free to live my own life, have a career of my choosing, rather than just living out someone's idea of what my life should be like, and also because I now feel so much more in control of my own destiny. Much more so than I have ever felt.
I am also a wee bit scared- scared that I may not have a job anytime soon. Scared that we may not make it.
HOWEVER, those have have never been options for me. And clearly, they still are not options for me, so I won't indulge. I do however, reserve the right to once in a while vent and air out my frustrations and fear.

But for now, I will bask in the moment. Bask in how peaceful everything came about.
There were no tears, no mean comments, no below the belt remarks. It actually felt like a conversation that we should have had a long time ago. It was a conversation that felt sincere and genuine.
And for that I am grateful. I certainly could not have imagined it going this well, no matter how many times I've replayed this scenario in my head.

I feel that things are progressing. In their own way. Things are happening just as they're supposed to.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

1 comment:

Karen G. said...

Starting a family soon! I'm excited for you & hubby! I truly wish everything you hope for will come your way.

Stay free!