30 weeks

Tomorrow, the hubby and I have our hospital maternity tour.
I booked it so long ago, and have been looking forward to it. However, today, it finally hit me.
Soon, and very soon, this baby is coming. Whether we're ready or not. And now, it's really hitting me, that no matter how hard I try to get ready, I'm never going to be fully prepared. My whole life is about to change, and I'm incredibly scared.
More than I have ever been my entire life.
My whole identity is about to change, if it hasn't already started to. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know myself.

Oops... I missed my 23 week mark

How far along?: 24 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: +7 lbs. UGH! I'm sooo sad.
Maternity clothes?: Mostly bottoms, some tops.
Best moment this week: Still when I feel the baby move. He's actually more active now.
Movement: Plenty, esp. if he likes what he hears.
Food Cravings: A carne asada burrito from Daniel's Tacos
Gender: BOY
Belly Button: Still an innie.
Stretchmarks?: No newbies.
What I miss: wearing my normal, non maternity clothes. Boots.
What I am looking forward to: Baby classes that start tomorrow night.
Weekly Wisdom: Walk.
Milestones: Hmmm... nothing really that I can think of.

Pregnant, and loving it.

How far along?: 22 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Haven't weighed myself this week. I'm seriously dreading it.
Maternity clothes?: Mostly bottoms, some tops.
Best moment this week: Every time I feel baby Hudson move.
Movement: Plenty, esp. if he likes what he hears.
Food Cravings: Nothing really, at least not this week.
Gender: BOY
Belly Button: Still an innie.
Stretchmarks?: No newbies.
What I miss: Being able to get off the couch or out of bed without much effort. Not being out of breath.
What I am looking forward to: My baby boy. I fall in love with him more and more everyday.
Weekly Wisdom: Rest when you need it. I'm finding out that this is the best thing, esp. since I'm sick at the moment.
Milestones: Selling our Mini Cooper to make room for baby. We now own a Ford Edge, and I'm officially driving a mommy car.

Good Bye 2009, Hello 2010!

2009 brought with it many changes.
New jobs for both Milo and myself, and definitely new family dynamics.
It feels wonderful to no longer be working for my in-laws, but I cannot say I don't miss the money. However, I am dealing with all of it emotionally and am now taking care of finding me again amidst all these changes.

I'm very excited for what 2010 will bring.
Milo will be off probation in June. Good bye to being a rookie. I cannot wait! We plan on heading to Hawaii to celebrate.
I am also hoping that 2010 will grant me a classroom, my very own.
And lastly, we're hoping this is the year our family will expand.

I cannot wait for all that's in store this year! It's already looking glorious!

Life is GRAND!
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LOST

At times, I feel completely directionless.
This is one of those times.
Not quite sure why, or how, but I am finding that this is my current state.
Not event the hello kitty band- aid on my thumb is making me happy.

Perhaps I feel sad because my dad's birthday is right around the corner, and I can't help but miss him during this time.
Perhaps its the holidays that are right around the corner.
Or perhaps, it's because at 27, I feel I am no closer to having a classroom of my own, than I did back in August.

I feel a mess.
I feel like I failed.
And that is the worst feeling of all.
Because I feel as I've let myself down. That I deserve so much better.
That my life is stagnant and not going anywhere.
That I don't even know how to dream anywhere because they seem to no longer be coming true.

And I need to find my way back.
Cause I simply do not like my current state of affairs.
So, dear God, if you're out there, please help me find my way.
I'm a weary traveler looking for some comfort.

Life is GRAND- just challenging at times.
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On my Fridge

On my fridge are letters from my father. Letters from when I was younger. When I was too angry to realize what his words meant. Now here I am, years later, much older and wiser. Smart enough to know that I can never get the time back with my dad. It's too late.

But sometimes, when I'm getting something from the fridge, a phrase or some words from his letters will catch my eye. Like tonight, when I was getting the dog food, I saw "I miss you." And in so many ways, I feel as if he is trying to communicate with me. Like he's trying to tell me something.

And you know what? I miss you too dad, wherever you are.

"And I'll remember
the love that you gave me
now that I'm standing on my own.
And I'll remember
the way that you changed me."
(Madonna)

Life is GRAND- although sometimes painful.
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Surprise, Surprise

An update!

It's birthday week this week, and like every year, I feel some sort of grief around this time. Grief because in so many ways, I am mourning. Mourning the loss of another year. Mourning my dad. This marks my second birthday without my dad. It doesn't get any easier.

I am both ready to shed the old and welcome the new, as well as a little apprehensive about the future. This past year has brought about so many changes- a change in careers, lifestyle, but most importantly, it brought about the freedom to live my own life- to make the choices that are right for me and the hubby. Yes, there are times when I miss the relationship I had with my MIL. The moments when we could be carefree and just talk. However, I know that whenever I gave her an inch, she always wanted to take more. This is definitely a learning process for me- especially because now, I know that I am a bit more guarded with myself around her. Far too many hurtful things were said- and I know time will heal all of it.

So this year, I am looking forward to getting to know myself better. Finding out the choices that work for me, without the too watchful eye of my MIL. She was always very guarded with me, often times not letting me figure things out on my own, and letting me feel like I needed to always comply with her demands. I know a huge part of it was my doing, considering I never set boundaries with her, because after all, my paycheck came from her. But now I say, so long! I am a free woman.
I am ready to face all that is to come this coming year. In so many ways, I feel like it's a rebirth. A little scary, but definitely a nice change.

I also want to start this week by saying THANK YOu.

-To my family who has always been there for me, I love and appreciate you all. Each one of you has made such a big difference in my life. I know there are times when we get on each other's nerves, but there is not a day that goes by where I am not grateful for your presence in my life. My sisters are like built in best friends, and I never felt the need to reach outside of my inner family circle to have company. I am so grateful that I have you all.

-To my girlfriends, I am definitely grateful for all that you do for me. For listening, for keeping me company, for everything. I know we may not see each other a lot, but do know that I'm always here for each and everyone of you. My life is a lot more colorful, and blessed because you are all in it.

and lastly,

-To my hubby. You are my best friend, the love of my life, and my rock. I am who I am because of your love and support. I love you very much. Thank you for being the man that you are.

Please know that without all of you, my life would not be as full as it is. You all bless and color my days. Thank you.

Life is GRAND!
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