Saturday, March 15, 2008

Day 2

My heart aches in ways that I cannot fully express. It feels as if it has broken into a million different pieces, and that with each day that passes by, no matter how hard I try to put it all back together, no glue is strong enough to hold it.
I go through each and everyday like a zombie. It's all a mundane routine that keeps me going.
Once the day is over, when I have a moment to just be, all the emotions just come rushing in and I am back at square one- wondering how I can get up and pretend all over again the next day.
I feel a pain that I don't think anyone who has never lost a parent or a loved one feels. It is a pain that cannot be put into words, because there is nothing strong enough, or profound enough to express it. It is a pain so deep and a cut so sharp, that has yet to heal.
Simply put, I miss my dad so much. I never knew it was possible to miss someone this much, or to have your heart yearn for anyone as much as this. In all of the 16 years that I did not see him, I never missed him for one day because the pain and anger that I had towards him sustained me. It's amazing how much more I feel for him once all those negative emotions subsided. They drained from me the moment that I saw him in a hospital bed, unable to move, speak or even open his eyes. Now, that image haunts me, and there is nothing I wouldn't give to have him be alive and be here with me today. The if only's and what if's and the could have's never seem to fade away, but rather just increase in amount. And the loneliness never detaches from me, but rather clings to me, as if for dear life. Oh, what I would give to not feel this way!

Life is Grand... although a bit lonely,
Super Panda

1 comment:

carymc said...

I am sorry you are hurting, Erika. It is indeed a terrible feeling to lose someone close to you. But it does pass with time, and each day becomes a little easier than the one before. That is my wish for you.