LOST

At times, I feel completely directionless.
This is one of those times.
Not quite sure why, or how, but I am finding that this is my current state.
Not event the hello kitty band- aid on my thumb is making me happy.

Perhaps I feel sad because my dad's birthday is right around the corner, and I can't help but miss him during this time.
Perhaps its the holidays that are right around the corner.
Or perhaps, it's because at 27, I feel I am no closer to having a classroom of my own, than I did back in August.

I feel a mess.
I feel like I failed.
And that is the worst feeling of all.
Because I feel as I've let myself down. That I deserve so much better.
That my life is stagnant and not going anywhere.
That I don't even know how to dream anywhere because they seem to no longer be coming true.

And I need to find my way back.
Cause I simply do not like my current state of affairs.
So, dear God, if you're out there, please help me find my way.
I'm a weary traveler looking for some comfort.

Life is GRAND- just challenging at times.
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On my Fridge

On my fridge are letters from my father. Letters from when I was younger. When I was too angry to realize what his words meant. Now here I am, years later, much older and wiser. Smart enough to know that I can never get the time back with my dad. It's too late.

But sometimes, when I'm getting something from the fridge, a phrase or some words from his letters will catch my eye. Like tonight, when I was getting the dog food, I saw "I miss you." And in so many ways, I feel as if he is trying to communicate with me. Like he's trying to tell me something.

And you know what? I miss you too dad, wherever you are.

"And I'll remember
the love that you gave me
now that I'm standing on my own.
And I'll remember
the way that you changed me."
(Madonna)

Life is GRAND- although sometimes painful.
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Surprise, Surprise

An update!

It's birthday week this week, and like every year, I feel some sort of grief around this time. Grief because in so many ways, I am mourning. Mourning the loss of another year. Mourning my dad. This marks my second birthday without my dad. It doesn't get any easier.

I am both ready to shed the old and welcome the new, as well as a little apprehensive about the future. This past year has brought about so many changes- a change in careers, lifestyle, but most importantly, it brought about the freedom to live my own life- to make the choices that are right for me and the hubby. Yes, there are times when I miss the relationship I had with my MIL. The moments when we could be carefree and just talk. However, I know that whenever I gave her an inch, she always wanted to take more. This is definitely a learning process for me- especially because now, I know that I am a bit more guarded with myself around her. Far too many hurtful things were said- and I know time will heal all of it.

So this year, I am looking forward to getting to know myself better. Finding out the choices that work for me, without the too watchful eye of my MIL. She was always very guarded with me, often times not letting me figure things out on my own, and letting me feel like I needed to always comply with her demands. I know a huge part of it was my doing, considering I never set boundaries with her, because after all, my paycheck came from her. But now I say, so long! I am a free woman.
I am ready to face all that is to come this coming year. In so many ways, I feel like it's a rebirth. A little scary, but definitely a nice change.

I also want to start this week by saying THANK YOu.

-To my family who has always been there for me, I love and appreciate you all. Each one of you has made such a big difference in my life. I know there are times when we get on each other's nerves, but there is not a day that goes by where I am not grateful for your presence in my life. My sisters are like built in best friends, and I never felt the need to reach outside of my inner family circle to have company. I am so grateful that I have you all.

-To my girlfriends, I am definitely grateful for all that you do for me. For listening, for keeping me company, for everything. I know we may not see each other a lot, but do know that I'm always here for each and everyone of you. My life is a lot more colorful, and blessed because you are all in it.

and lastly,

-To my hubby. You are my best friend, the love of my life, and my rock. I am who I am because of your love and support. I love you very much. Thank you for being the man that you are.

Please know that without all of you, my life would not be as full as it is. You all bless and color my days. Thank you.

Life is GRAND!
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Quickie Update

Today, on my way home from work, it again dawned on me that I really enjoy and like my new job. I always learn something new. I'm definitely loving it. Sometimes I think it's funny and wonder when I'll start not liking it. Don't get me wrong, yes, there are days when it's really challenging, but the truth of the matter is- when I change my attitude and just look at the bright side of things, my job is really fantabulous.
The kids are wonderful and I'm always learning from them. Same with the staff. Everyone's really nice and helpful. I know that I'm picking up wonderful skills and I'm well on my way to becoming an awesome teacher.

Life is GRAND!
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A long day

I am tired and grumpy.
I def need to go to bed earlier tonight.
Life is GRAND!
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A Week of Firsts

Yesterday, I started school. Mind you, it's been 4 years since I've graduated from college. Here I am now for round 2. A Master's.
Nuts!
Today, school started at the school I'm working at.
I was on my feet for 8 hours.
UGH! Sooo exhausted!

Tomorrow, I babysit. I shouldn't have agreed because I'm so exhausted.
Oh well.
Thursday is my Friday.
Can't wait for the 4 days off!

Life is GRAND!
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Neglect

Yes, my blog has been neglected.
I am a student now and have a full time job.
Needless to say that my time is extremely limited.
I will try to post more as I get used to the new sched but that probably won't be for a while.

Life is GRAND!
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A Promotion

A week and a half into my new job...

I am now a Kindergarten Aide 2 days a week, along with my receptionist/ substitute duties.
Yay me!
I will have my own classroom soon enough.

Loving the school, the people.
It's a lot of fun.
I am really enjoying myself!

Life is GRAND!
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Hectic

Pardon the lack of posts as I try and get acquainted with my new life.
I work from 7:30- 4, but will be starting school by next week.
Nuts!
Not too mention, I'm totally exhausted from the new job by the end of the day.

I can't believe I'm really doing this.
Sometimes it feels like a dream.

Life is GRAND!
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Dinner and a Movie

Cheesecake Factory with a few of the gals... then Time Traveler's Wife.
What a great evening :)






Life is GRAND!
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Today, is the Day Your New Life Begins

OK, it begins on Monday, but still...

It is 4 AM and I cannot go back to sleep.
I feel as if I'm in a state of mourning in so many ways.

For the past few months, I have longed for a new job. I have worked dilligently towards a new career- enrolled in school, sent out resumes, have gone on numerous interviews. And a few of those interviews were so promising.
Yet, a full time teaching position did not materialize.
Up until yesterday, I had some sort of hope that I would get an offer for a teaching position.
But, to my dismay, that did not happen.

What I did get is this...
an offer to work at a great school as a receptionist (and also as a substitute teacher throughout the school year).
A gift wrapped in a completely different package than what I was expecting.
OR clearly, that is how I should look at it as, because there's always a silver lining somewhere.

In so many ways, I feel that a brand new me is emerging. Or it could be the brand new lifestyle that the hubby and I are about to embark on. I am on the cusp, yet I'm finding it so hard to dive right in.
All the fears I have are lingering around. I wonder what made them decide to emerge so late in the game. Or could it have been that they were here all along, yet I just failed to notice them? And if so, how could I have ignored them then, but not now? Not when I'm right on the brink of this new life.

Or the reality of it is, that it could just be my ego talking.
This truly is a humbling change for me.
I am coming from a completely different background/ lifestyle.
At the age of 26, I have made a name for myself in a completely different industry. I was able to buy a house with my husband, and live a life of luxury (by our own standards). And all that is changing. And I'm afraid. Gone are the days when we had so much disposable income. Gone are the days when I could just shop and not care as much about the expense.
Today, the reality of all that is sinking in.

I was a damn good talent manager, if i do say so myself.
I negotiated well, and dealt with vendors and talents well.
Yet somehow, somewhere along the way, I lost the passion for all of it. It could have been when my dad died and I went to the Philippines and saw how much simpler life could be (and of course be happy). Cause I did experience all of that.
I don't know. But it happened, and here I am now.

I sometimes feel like a fool. Throwing away all I have. But, it no longer makes me happy.
So the real question is, why is it then, if it no longer made me happy, that I'm sad to be leaving it all behind?
Perhaps I'm grieving all that I'm leaving behind. And I'm in trepidation of what's ahead.

Throughout this whole journey, I have always had faith in God- although it wavered quite a bit, and I questioned my path at times (like I'm doing now). Again, there has to be a silver lining in all of this. A gift, if you will. I've always been a firm believer in things happening for a reason. And I'm desperately looking for a reason now.

I have a gift in front of me. A gift that came unexpectedly- presented to me in a completely different way than what I had expected. And I'm so hesitant to unwrap, and discover what lays ahead.

Life is GRAND- and it will always be, it's just sometimes hard.
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An Offer

Today I got an offer from the school I interviewed at yesterday.
It's for a Full time receptionist position, and of course, the first choice in their substitute pool (since I'd already be at the school). I would be making what a substitute teacher would be making.

This is less than what the other school would offer me, should they give me an offer... which I still don't have yet.

This school that offered me a position today is closer to home, and would slowly transition me into a classroom environment. According to the principal, the receptionist position is not their long term goal for me.

Yesterday, I walked out of here wishing they would offer me a full time position.
Today I got one.

What to do? What to do?

Life is GRAND!
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A New School

I had an interview today for a substitute teaching position.
How I wish they interviewed me for a permanent teaching position.
LOVED the school. LOVED the principals.
Plus, much closer to home.

I'm glad I got to meet the 2 ladies I did though.
Perhaps next school year?

Life is GRAND!
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Tomorrow, Tomorrow

I should find out whether the job is really mine or not.
I got an email from the principal saying that she'll be going over my paperwork with the pastor and that she'd let me know by Tuesday.

Oh Tuesday, you seem so far away.

I also have an interview tomorrow. For a substitute teaching position.
And I got a call today for a tutoring position. Nice way to make extra bucks on the side.
Love it.

It seems that things could possibly be falling into place.
I know things will happen as God intends.
I have certainly learned a lot about myself throughout this whole process.
I cannot wait until I leave everything behind, and start anew.

Life is GRAND!
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Another Day, Another Interview

Yes, you read that right.
I have another interview.
Tuesday, the 11th to be exact.
At a school much closer to home.
Private. Not Catholic.
To be part of their substitute pool.
Nothing permanent, but who knows?
Sowing the seed.

Life is GRAND!
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from my favorite author, Paulo Coelho

(from Warrior of the Light)

Things as they are

Of course things don’t always happen they way we wish they would. There are moments in which we feel we are seeking something that is not meant for us, knocking on doors that don’t open, waiting for miracles that don’t manifest themselves.

Fortunately that is the way things are - if everything went the way we wanted, soon we would no longer have anything to write about, nothing to guide our daily thoughts. This script serves our dreams as nourishment, but to our battles as energy. And as it always happens with the warriors that spend all their energy in the Good Fight, there are moments in which it is best to relax and believe that the Universe is still working for us secretly, even if we cannot comprehend it.

And so, let us allow the Soul of the World to fulfill its mission, and if we can’t help, the best way to collaborate is to pay attention to the simple things in life; the sunset, the people in the street, the reading of a book.

However, in many cases, time continues passing and nothing exceptional happens. But the true warrior of light believes. Just like children believe.

Because they believe in miracles, the miracles begin to happen.

Because they are certain that their thoughts can change their lives, their lives begin to change.

Because they are certain they will find love, this love appears.

Sometimes they are disappointed. Sometimes they feel hurt.

Then they hear the comments, “you are so naïve!”

But the warrior knows it is worth the price. To each defeat, there are two conquests in his favor.

In an interesting and diminutive book called “The Breviary of Medieval Knights,” there are some passages that have to be remembered in these moments of waiting:

"The Path’s spiritual energy uses justice and patience to prepare your spirit.”

“This is the Knight’s Path. An easy and hard path at the same time, as it urges us to let aside useless things and relative friendships. That is why, at the beginning, we hesitate so much to follow it.”

"This is a Knight's first teaching: you will erase everything you wrote up to now on your life’s notebook: turmoil, insecurities, lies. And in place of all that, you will write the word courage. Beginning the journey with this word and going on with faith in God, you will arrive where you need to arrive.”

Even so, sometimes we keep on waiting - with patience, resignation, courage - and still, things around us don’t move. But since this is the path we chose, it seems impossible that life’s blessings are not working in our favor. It provokes, therefore, a deep reflection about what we call "results:" our destiny is manifesting itself in a way we are not able to fully comprehend . Jorge Luís Borges wrote a masterly short story about this issue.

He describes the birth of a tiger that spends great part of its life in the African wildness but ends up being captured and taken to a zoo in Italy. From then on, the animal thinks his life has lost sense and there is nothing left to do but wait for the day he dies.

One fine day, poet Dante Alighieri passes by this zoo, looks at the tiger, and the animal inspires a verse – in the midst of thousands of verses – of "The Divine Comedy."

"The entire battle for survival that tiger went through was only so that it could be at the zoo on that morning and inspire an immortal verse,” says Borges.

Just like this tiger, we all have a reason – a very important reason – to be here, at this moment, this morning.

So relax. And pay attention.

Lost

It's Thursday. I haven't heard from the principal for about a week and a half now.
I'm not sure what's happening.

At this point, it feels that my future is uncertain.
Clearly a feeling that I'm all too familiar with, but definitely something I'm not comfortable with.

The little girl inside of me wants to just weep and weep for all that is happening.
All the good bye's, the unclear tomorrow's.
It's just too much emotion.
I think it mostly wants to weep because of the uncertainty.
I feel so lost. Like I fell off the tracks and don't know how to get back on.

Something clearly has to happen, or change, or something.
I just don't know what needs to happen.

Life is GRAND- just extremely trying and frustrating at times.
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Way Exhausted Wednesday

Yep, that about sums me up right now.

Last week and through the weekend, I worked myself up into an emotional frenzy because I hadn't heard from my principal yet about my job. She was on jury duty last week, and when I called on Monday, she was on vaca.

On top of all my new job stress, The New Girl, came into town this week.
Cue the nightmarish flashbacks from when she used to work here 4 years ago.
However, to my surprise...
She's changed! A lot.
Funny how time really changes people, and makes a huge difference!
It is my belief that should we have started working together now, at this point in our lives, we would have been friends.
I'm helping her out a lot- giving her tips, etc. She's scared, mainly because I've taken on the job of what 2 or 3 people would normally do. That she's afraid she cannot do. I'm glad she realizes her strengths and weaknesses that way we are able to adjust it prior to her taking over full time. I wish her nothing but the best.

As for me, I wish me nothing but the best.
The signs I asked for regarding my teaching job, I've received.
Now, please, I'd love to move on from the signs and actually get the call or the email or the meeting.
That would be totes fab!

Life is GRAND- although it highly requires patience.
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There's A Time for Everything...

Today's Daily Om...
August 3, 2009
Where You Need To Be
Timing Can Be Everything

Since human timetables quite often do not correspond with universal timetables, it’s common for people to feel that life is progressing too slowly or too quickly. We draft carefully composed plans only to find that they fall into place when we least expect. Or, conversely, we are thrust into roles we believe we are not prepared for and wonder how we will survive the demands imposed upon us by unfamiliar circumstances. When delays in our progress kindle pangs of disappointment within us or the pace of life seems overwhelming, peace can be found in the simple fact that we are exactly where we need to be at this moment.

Every person fulfills their purpose when the time is right. If you have fast-tracked to success, you may become deeply frustrated if you discover you can no longer satisfy your desires as quickly as you might like. Yet the delays that disappoint you may be laying the foundation for future accomplishments that you have not yet conceived. Or the universe may have plans for you that differ from the worldly aspirations you have pursued up until this point. What you deem a postponement of progress may actually represent an auspicious opportunity to prepare for what is yet to come. If, however, you feel as though the universe is pushing you forward at too fast a clip, you may be unwittingly resisting your destiny. Your unease regarding the speed of your progress could be a sign that you need to cultivate awareness within yourself and learn to move with the flow of fate rather than against it. The universe puts nothing in your path that you are incapable of handling, so you can res! t assured that you are ready to grow into your new situation.

You may feel compelled to judge your personal success using your age, your professional position, your level of education, or the accomplishments of your peers as a yardstick. Yet we all enjoy the major milestones in our lives at the appropriate time—some realize their dreams as youngsters while others flourish only in old age. If you take pride in your many accomplishments and make the most of every circumstance in which you find yourself, your time will come.

Dear God, Give Me A Sign

Please.
I need to know that the job that was partially offered to me is still there waiting for me.
And if it isn't, please let me know that something else is on the horizon.

xoxox,
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Good Bye's

I am not a fan of good bye's. Never have been, and probably never will be.
I get too sentimental. Too attached.
Some may say I care too much.
Perhaps all of the above are true.
In so many ways, I'm quite sure they are.
As I near the final weeks of my stay at Cope Management, the good bye's are pouring in. And just as expected, they are tough moments. Bittersweet is the word.

I am grateful for every single person that has helped foster my career. I wouldn't be where I am today without any of you. I am grateful for all the opportunities my career has afforded me. In my mid 20's, I am/ was making more money than most people my age. I have a great car, a house, and of course a few of life's luxuries. Not to mention a fabulous husband and 2 lovely pups. I also am more confident in myself and my abilities. In my few short years into adulthood, I have accomplished a lot more than I could ever have imagined. I am grateful for all this. Every single experience I've had at Cope Management has shaped me in every way. My family came here from a 3rd world country, and never did Idream that I would be doing what I have been doing for the past few years. It has opened my eyes to so many things and have taught me a lot. Everyday I am grateful for this.

Life is GRAND!
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No longer of use

A talent is a talent. They are actors, and therefore have that actor mentality.
When you are no longer of use to them, then you simply are cast aside.
Of course, not all of them are like this. Just a few. I think it's just a bit surprising when the people who end up acting like this, are the people whom you never thought would.
Unfortunate, but it happens.
And that's what is happening now.
I am on my way out. I am enjoying my last few weeks here at Cope Management.
I am still doing work. Wrapping things up, getting the new gals prepped by having tons of notes for her.
But of course, to some talents of mine, I am no longer of service to them.
And that is that.
It's been a pleasure serving you all...

Life is GRAND!
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Hard Headed

Yep, that would be me.
I keep failing to learn the lesson that's right in front of me.
Which is why I feel like I keep living the exact same nightmare, just presented in different packaging.
I so need to learn to let go, to let God.
To trust.
Because that is the basis and foundation for any relationship.
I know that I will always be provided for, and that things are happening according to plan.
But knowing consciously, and feeling and trusting it wholeheartedly are different things.
Now that I know, the next step is to really feel it and let go.
Let go, Let God.

Life is GRAND!
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A Funny Convo between Asian Mike and I

E: i've had stomach issues since last week
E: and the only thing helping is ginger ale
E: i wonder why
E: the downside is it has high fructose corn syrup
E: yuck
M: take tums
E: no i felt like i had the stomach flu
M: or swine flu
E: HAHAHAHAH
M: it's not that funny... what if you have it?
E: i don't have a fever
E: and isn't swine flu like the regular flu not the stomach flu?
M: symptoms include nausea, overexcitement, hatred toward inlaws, sudden need to take a shit in the MIL's mouth, and wanting a new job

Delayed

Yes, my scheduled meeting is not happening tomorrow because jury duty calls... not for me, but for my principal. Oh well, such is life. Things are happening according to God's plan.

And now, for a little venting session.
I most certainly cannot wait until I am out of here. Here meaning my current place of employment.
Everyday something new pops up, but it's mostly a different version of whatever issue my MIL has with me. Her latest issue being that I'm leaving.
And seriously, everyday I put on a happy and brave face. One that says I'm leaving, so I'm doing what I have to do here. But since I'm such a nice person, I'm always accomodating her. And she continues to be cold and mean and rude to me.
Everyday.
I know this has to end someday. I know things have to get better sometime.
When, I'm not quite sure.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Oh, and please help me to endure what's left here. It's not much longer.
Help make the days go by swiftly, and my interactions with her short.
Amen.

Life is GRAND- just a few setbacks, sometimes.
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Good News

I got an email on Monday night from my new principal.
She said that she would love for me to come in and discuss the possibility of me joining the team.
I have an appointment to come in, next Tuesday at 8:30.

Great things are brewing!
I smell it already!

Life is GRAND!
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Updates with pictures!

So... this weekend was busy, but fun.
I was off Friday so I spent the morning working on the cake. From the moment I woke up, until about 1. The hubby and I needed to go to Pasadena to sign up with the Los Angeles Firemen's Credit Union... back story is that we've been screwed over at Chase (WaMu) quite a few times. The most recent one being Thursday night, when 4 of our accounts were compromised, thus prompting me to see Marlene, my personal banker, as I like to call her. I asked her to close all my accounts because I was done with Chase.

So I walked out of there, with my cash in my purse. Not advisable to do, esp. when you just want to run with all of it to Nordstrom's Anniversary Sale.
But anyhow, the hubby and I opened up new bank accounts. We're in deep with all this firemen thing, in case y'all haven't noticed. Anyhow, we hung out in Pasadena for a bit, then drove by HOly Trinity (the school I hope to be teaching at). I wanted to show the hubby around for a bit, while trying to avoid looking like a stalker.

Then, we headed home and I finished the cake, or Leo the Lion as I affectionately call him.


Saturday, was Harry Potter day. We saw it at the Arclight in Sherman Oaks at 10 am. I was able to do double duty and got a gift for The Girl from Junior High's Little Kangaroo. Afterwards, the hubby and I had lunch at The Stand with my sis, my niece, her bf, nd my nephew. It was a family affair!
Then the hubby and I had fun at The Little Kangaroo's 1st birthday.

The hubby worked the next day... last Sunday, this month!
I went to church, then Valley Brunette's brunch, plus a bonus trip to DSW, and Nordstrom's Anniversary Sale. I also somehow managed to squeeze in some pool time, and of course, no weekend is complete without a trip to TJ's for some groceries.

Hope this weeks moves pretty quickly! Plus, hope I get my call this week :)


Life is GRAND!
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Caught Unaware

For the second time in about a week or so, I was overwhelmingly caught by the feelings of loss and sadness.
Out of nowhere, my grief takes over me, and I have no choice but to cry, and have my heart ache over the loss of my dad.
There are no words that can explain just how much my heart aches when this happens, or just how much I want to crumble down and have all life stop because it's so hard for me to go on for that brief period of time.

Last week, as I was doing some sit ups, free bird started playing on my ipod. For some reason, that song reminds me of my dad. Perhaps it was because I knew he couldn't be tied down to us. He was too ingrained into his world, and having things done his way. He was such a free bird. And I knew he couldn't stay. I saw him, just so we can have closure. And that was how our relationship was meant to work. If he was still alive, I'm sure that we still wouldn't be on good terms. I know that him passing resolved a lot of things, and for that I'm forever grateful. Oh how I just wish I had more time with him!

"If I leave here tomorrow, will you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on now,
Cause there's so many places I've got to see
If I stay here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you cannot change."
(Free Bird- Lynr Skynyrd)

And tonight, while coloring some buttercream, The Cure's "Lovesong" started playing on my itunes... and I just lost it.

"Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again.
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again.

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you."
(Lovesong- The Cure)

I know he'll always love me, no matter how far away. Then that song was followed by John Legend's "I Love, You Love" and that made me cry harder.

"Hush my baby don't you cry.
I'll dry your eyes
Fulfill your hearts desires
Let's go and try again
Careful this time
Broken promises lingering are mine...

But my arms can hold you
My kiss console you
I'll come and love you tonight.

I love, I love, I love
Love hurts sometimes
But this feels right...

Aren't you tired of going along
This lonely road
It takes its toll on you
Give me your emotions
Your heart's devotion
Give anything you like
And I'll give understanding
Life's so demanding
I've all you need to get by."
(I Love, You Love- John Legend)

Dad, wherever you are, I love you and I miss you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't feel empty or missing something. I wish we had more time. I wish you were still here. What I would give to have that happen. But I know it's not possible, and we've got a few years before we see each other again. I know that in the meantime, you are with me every step of the way. I know you love me, and are watching out for me, doing the best you can for me, and mom and my sisters, your grandkids, and everyone else. I love you dad. I wish those were words I said to you sooner. I know you know that. I know you know that I miss you terribly. RIP.

Life is GRAND- even though your heart aches from time to time.
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I KNOW what's best for ME...

It is my life after all.

I have taken the high road on most of the stuff that has gone on with my MIL as of late.
And that's what I'm continuing to do. Just when I thought we were moving on, and working on repairing our broken relationship, it seems that she's still harboring a major issue. The issue being that I'm on my way out.
She seems to not be able to handle this. Just today, I found out that she doesn't support my choice. She thinks that I'm making a terrible mistake, because she has friends that hate their teaching jobs. Could it be that they're just too old, and perhaps, just maybe need to retire? I mean, clearly, if you don't enjoy what you're doing, then perhaps you should no longer be doing it.
Hence the reason I'm leaving... cause I no longer enjoy what I do. It was never my dream to work for her, granted it has given me many tremendous opportunities that I am and will forever be grateful for.

I think the reason why I'm having such a hard time with this whole thing regarding my MIL is because at one time, she was my mentor. I looked up to her tremendously. And I guess as the saying goes, "you should never put anyone on a pedestal, because sooner or later, they will fall, and you will just be disappointed." And that's exactly what's going on. I admired her, and truly believed her to be a certain way. I refused to see her faults, and look where we are now. I am so bothered that she thinks I'm making a mistake by leaving. My reasons for leaving may not be the right or the best reasons for her, but the reality of it is, they are the BEST and the RIGHT reasons for me (and the hubby). In the end, that's all that truly matters.

So, really... I know that she might be disappointed because my choices strongly differ from hers. This is MY life. It feels so free and empowering to be making decisions for me, for once in my life. The choices I've made in the past were always made to make someone else happy. That's done now.

I'mma do me. And it's a great feeling.
So, to the naysayers, watch me... I'm making the right choices and changes are on their way. I'm one day closer, everyday.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

UGH!

As most of you know, this is an all encompassing word for me.
And really, it sums up everything I'm feeling at the moment.
I am incredibly overwhelmed, frustrated, emotional, and exhausted.
This week is proving to be tough.

I have my second interview tomorrow. I have my lesson plan typed out, ready to be given to the principal. I have my notes typed and ready for me to go through, except I'm nervous as hell about being in front of little kids. Crazy right?
I need to make sure that today, Tuesday, is ALL about my interview for the next day.

Then the rest of the week, I can focus on making the cake that I need to have finished by Saturday afternoon.
Cakes baked- check.
Simple syrup made- check.

Still need to:
Make buttercream (choclate frosting, plus colors- red, yellow, orange)
Make filling
Fill and carve cake
Crumb Coat cake
Dot transfer
Pipe decorations

I see sleepless nights beginning Wednesday night. Oh wait, that started already.
I thought I'd get a head start and bake the cakes early. Didn't work out so well.
Cakes crumbled quick.
I'm on my 3rd batch. I'm hoping they hold.

Oh, and yes, here's the icing on the cake (no pun intended), it's period week.
I am an emotional wreck. Lucky the hubby's working a 24 tonight.

Life is GRAND- just a little too full sometimes!
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A Toast to Old, and New Friends

It always amazes me the person I've turned out to be. And I know that while I'll still be changing, I am just amazed at how far I've come in life, and how much I've developed- character wise.

And I know that while I've been a product of my environment, a lot of who I am is really because of who I've decided to surround myself with.

So, I really do have to give my girlfriends a lot of credit. If it wasn't for all of you, I would definitely be lost. You all have guided me so much.

And this def goes out to friends from the past as well. I know that back then, I was a completely different person, and I may not have made things easy. I might have been a total mean girl back then, but now I've grown up and have seen the error of my ways. In fact, I'm even slightly embarassed that I was like that back then. Ugh! But, oh well, live and learn.

I've been having a lovely time trying to re- connect with friends that I went to high school with. Somehow, it just feels like home. It's an all too comforting, familiar feeling, that I often miss. There's just something to be said for having friends who knew you back then- back when you were a struggling adolescent going through the awkward teen phase.

Anyhow, with all this said... again, thanks to all my girlfriends, old and new.
You all are very dear to me.

Life is GRAND!
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Cry Baby

Yep, that's me lately.
Last night after dinner, while trying to lesson plan, I found myself bawling on the couch. I was sobbing about leaving the people at my current job- how hard I've worked for them, and that now, with someone else doing my work, it's no longer in my control. I will no longer have the same interaction I have with them on a daily basis. I'm worried that all the hard work that I've done will be for naught- all the relationships I've formed with vendors, etc.
Then I cried about this new phase I'm going to- how I have no experience as a teacher, and it will definitely be challenging for me. I think it's because I really just want to be a good teacher- someone the kids love and someone who can relay information clearly. I want to make a difference.

This whole transition phase- it's definitely getting the best of me.
However, I know that I am moving forward, in the direction of what God has intended for me. It's just a little hard sometimes.

Today, after a hard run, grief took over. As Freebird by Lynrd Skynrd was playing, I wept about my dad. With all that has been going on, it's been a nice distraction from the pain that still somewhat takes over me when I think about my dad no longer being around. Yes we had a pained relationship. But nonetheless, he was my dad, and I remember him being my hero as a little girl. I know that up until he passed, he was my champion. And I'm sure wherever he is, he's still pushing and prodding me along. I just sometimes wish it were easier. But alas, such is life.

I know I'm being guided. I know that I just need to trust in the process, and in God's grace. Things are moving along just as they should. I know that I'm just sad over the end of one thing, and the absolute uncertainty of what I'm about to venture into. I know that I should have faith in all of it.

And really, thank goodness for my wonderful husband. Without him, I wouldn't be as strong and resolved as I am now. He's going into this new phase with me, and I so appreciate his support. He hugs me when I'm sad, and dries away my tears. Thank you.

Life is GRAND!
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A Good Bye, Good Luck Letter

I need to let go of the past, and that which I cannot control. I know things will still be functioning without me. I can only hope and have faith in that.
So, here's my release as I move on to the next chapter of my life.

Dear Wendy,

As you know, I've never been a big fan of you. And up until now, I'm still not your biggest fan. This is a hurdle that I have to definitely overcome, as I begin to get ready to hand over to you what I've built and established for the past few years. Am I scared? Yes. Am I worried? Yes. I'm a mixture of emotions regarding all this. My anxiety lies in the fact that Cope Management has such great talents. Many whom I consider to be family because of the close knit bond we've developed through the years. When you were last here, we all had to pull together and deal with what you left behind. Please treat them gently. With care. They are such amazing, kind and generous people, and they deserve to be working- EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
I know you play favorites. Please try not to do that this time. Again, every single one of our talents should be working. Just like they are now with me at the wheel.

Asides from the talents, please take care of our vendors too. There's no job too small that you can't take care of. Whether it's ADR, non- union, low budget, whatever- take it. You cannot turn away work. I have made it a point to be the go to gal for a lot of producers and companies out there- mainly because I work with their budget. Please do the same. Observe the length of time it takes you to get auditions over to vendors. That's important too. It's important to get repeat business. That's how we grow- they know they can rely on us, and in turn, word spreads.

As I'm sure you can only imagine, things have definitely changed since you were last here. Please observe those changes, and if need be, let go or change the ones that don't work for you. I know that both you and I just want this business to grow. Do know that just because my heart is no longer in it, and I'm moving on, it DOES NOT (in anyway) mean that I don't care. In fact, I care more than people realize. I care that's why I'm leaving. I know that I'm no longer the person that can do the job. I know that I'm no longer the person this business requires me to be. I know all that, and it is with that knowledge that I'm leaving this business, the talents, and the vendors. We may not like each other, but we can definitely be united in our goal of having the talents at Cope Management succeed.

Yours Truly,
Super Panda

I am releasing this situation, and I am bless it wholeheartedly.

Life is GRAND!
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It's Coming!

I hope soon.
A teaching job is on the horizon for me. I feel it.
Except that I hate that I'm getting slightly antsy. Slightly impatient.
Things are going to happen the way they are meant to happen, when they are meant to.
Hopefully soon :)

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Happy Birthday

to Valley Brunette, also known as Ms. P
I need to find a pic :)

Jingle Jangle, A Mixture of Emotions

So today, I am having a bit of a hard time.
I am in a transition phase. An in- between stage.

The girl who is taking over my position is waiting to start. They are getting her all good and ready. Her cell phone is ready and waiting. She has her email account set up.

Meanwhile, I am here, waiting to be offered a fabulous teaching position.
Watching someone take over the relationships I've built. The friendships I've developed. The life I've created.

It is a struggle. On the one hand, I love the people I've met and have enjoyed doing what I've been doing for years. On the other, it's just not right for me anymore. It is no longer a part of my identity.

BUT it is still an identity that I'm in the process of shedding. And this definitely makes it a lot harder. Especially because I'm not sure where I'm heading yet. As of now, no job offer. I know there's a plan for me. That I know for sure. It's coming... I'm one day closer to it :)

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

EXHAUSTED!

It was a long, tiring, but fun weekend.
Friday recap has already been blogged about.
Saturday morning, I woke up early and then went on a 5 mile walk with my niece and nephew- we went up steep hills. Fun. Then ran a few errands- like get a few teaching materials, etc.
After that, I went home and got ready for my date with the hubby. We went to Fillmore for their car show. We also went to the fire dept. there so the hubby can turn in his badge and shield since he's now with LA City.
We went home and he got to studying while I got to cleaning. No fireworks for us.
Sunday- church and then I went swimming with my family.
Lots of swimming and tanning.
I am now burnt.
Fun though.
Valley Brunette came and enjoyed herself as well.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Friday Fun Day Special Edition

Special Edition because it was a full day of events.
No work. All play.

Here's what took place:

I slept in (thank goodness because I can't remember the last time I did this).
Got ready to watch The Proposal with the teacher and my bridesmaid (ok, she was my bridesmaid from some time ago- yes, she needs a new name). Before meeting up with the gals, I saw my nieces and nephew- great time with them, always.
Anyhow, the gals and I ate some Thai food, saw the movie, and relaxed by the pool. DEF GREAT TIMES!
Then the teacher and I got ready to go meet up with Miss K and the girl from junior high. Fun times there too! Tapas and a drink, and some dessert. What a night! Girl talk too! Great company, Good times!
Thank you ladies- every single one of you. I had a lovely time, and we def need to do it again.

So, here's the job update...
I had a fab interview on Thursday for a school in Atwater.
Huge possibility of me getting a teaching job. And if I don't, oh well, it's not meant to be, and the right one will come along. BUT I really feel like this is it.
It's for 6th grade homeroom with an emphasis on Math and Science. So, here I am reviewing math and science. I'm excited, scared, anxious, but most of all grateful that I will have a job for the following school year.
The principal emailed me telling me that I should think about math and science, and that she will call me next week.
We shall see what happens.

Anyhow, I hope everyone has a lovely 4th! I am wishing that the hubby is off tomorrow so we can spend the day together.

BTW- go see Public Enemies. Totes fab!!

Life is GRAND!
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A Brand New Day

I am in a fabulous disposition today.
I have so much excitement inside that I can barely contain it :)

Thanks to my gals for a wonderful meeting last night.
It is always a pleasure to sit and chat and share with you.
You are all definitely my angels.

Ok, on top of all this- it's a 3 1/2 day weekend for me. Hooray!

Life is GRAND!
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Your Best Days Are Yet to Come

And I wholeheartedly believe in that.

I know that for a while, dark clouds hovered over me.
However, the sun is now shining brightly.
For the first time, in a really long while, I feel like myself.

My MIL and I are being completely honest and genuine with each other.
She's been really supportive of me finding a job. She even knows I have an interview tomorrow! I definitely feel that our relationship is on the mend, and that me leaving is the best thing that I could do for both of us.
We're even planning on having them over for dinner next week :)

I know that great things are in store for me.
Great things such as a teaching job.
I know that for sure.
Things are working out just as they should. I'm grateful for it all.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Rolling Along

June's almost over. For some reason, I'm excited about what the new month will possibly bring.

I am expecting a lot of things... cause I know God will provide.

Life is GRAND!
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Thank You

to my therapist, Marjorie.
She has helped me in so many ways.
Today was our last session since my life is going in a new direction and def need to save. Not that therapy was a luxury, ok, it kinda is.

Anyhow, if it hasn't been for her, I don't think I'd know myself as well as I do at this point in my life.

Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for listening, and understanding.
You've given me so much more than you know.
I've valued every minute of our time spent together.

I know that the best is yet to come. I am holding out for it :)

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

So the Naysayers

keep on saying...

*that they are worried for me.
*that they are nervous for me.

I know. These things I feel for myself too.
However, I do know that I will no longer sit around waiting for things to change on their own. The right job won't come along while I sit on my butt.
I've spent countless days doing just that.
Sitting, hoping, praying that a headhunter will notice my talents and offer me something more.
I know that I am meant for something more than what I'm currently doing.
I believe in that. I believe in me.
Again, I know that sometimes I falter. Sometimes I weaken in my beliefs.
However, in the grand scheme of things, I know that I'm not meant to sit behind this desk for all my life.

So, please. I know you're just concerned. I know that you're maybe, just looking out for me. But do know that I don't do anything without thinking it through first. The hubby and I have thought long and hard about this. In the end, we know this is the right decision for us. For the family we're going to have one day.
Please trust in me. Just support and encourage me. Because when you speak your concerns, somehow, it turns up the volume on my own concerns. And then I can't get it out of my head- the fear, the worry, the noise.
They are all just distractions, you see. Because I know deep down that I will be taken care of. Call if blind faith, if you will. Call it wishful thinking. Call it hope. I know that in the end, whether I see it now or not, things are working just as they should be.

So, please... encourage me. Tell me that you think I'm doing the right thing by finding and pursuing my passion. Give me a pat on the back for following my dreams. I know that there's far too many of you out there who are just sitting on your butts wishing you could do the same. But you're not because your fears are stopping you.
But I refuse to be tied down by that fear anymore. I refuse to be held back.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

One Day Closer

So I've been reading Joel Osteen's Your Best Life Now for my book club. I'm totally diggin' it. Thanks for a good pick Leslie!

Anyhow, today, I woke up totally feeling like I'm one day closer to my teaching job. One day closer to what I really want to do. I am doing what I can on my end, and I know God's helping me on his end. I have always been taken care of. I know that I will continue to be taken care of. I just have to trust in that.

I know at times I falter, and lose faith. I'm only human.
However, I do know that I just have to let things happen on their own.
There's a plan for me.
A spot for me. It will come when it's the right time.

Life is GRAND!
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More from Drill Tower 40

Just thought I'd post more pictures from the hubby's graduation.






Since the hubby is on probation for a year, chances are I won't be hearing from him at night. This is def a challenge for me, especially since I'm so used to talking to him, even if just to say "good night."
It's okay though because I know he's safe at the station. Last summer, when we would go for days without talking because he wouldn't have cell reception, I would always worry sick because I didn't know his whereabouts. He always felt so much further away from me. However, this time around, I know he's just in Westwood, Station 37.

I am truly proud of my husband. Every time I think about it, tears gather in my eyes. You see, this is a dream that started before we first got married. That was almost 5 years ago. I still remember the rejection letters he received. The heartbreak he felt, and of course, the heartbreak I felt for him. This has been a long journey for us. We both have made numerous sacrifices to get to this point in our lives. This is a journey we embarked on together and I am extremely grateful that this man is my husband.

Life is GRAND!
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Your Best Life Now

That's the book for next month's book club. I have started reading it since I finished our other book early.
It's just like any other book about the law of attraction, except this one factors in God and is more Christian based.
I think it's exactly what I need at this time.
I need to definitely enlarge my vision...

I also think the lesson is to learn to let go and let God.

That's the lesson I got from Church yesterday, and so far the lesson I'm getting from the first chapter of this book.

Let Go, Let God.

Def a good lesson for me. Things may not be working out the way I'd like for them to, but I know that there's a reason for it in the grand scheme of things. Whatever is to happen, will be for the good of all.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

Meet

FF Cope...



Life is GRAND!
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A broken heart

Or more so a broken spirit.
That's what I have.
At this moment, while sitting here in my office, typing this, I am trying to stop myself from breaking down in tears.

I am beginning to feel hopeless about the prospect of finding a teaching job for the Fall 2009 school year. No one's responding to my resume. Or phone calls, or emails.

Plus, the only other school that seemed interested called me today to tell me that the position has been filled. I didn't even get called in for an interview.
There's one school in Simi Valley that still has an 8th grade teaching position open. I am desperately praying they'll call me in for that.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Life is GRAND- I'm sure, just not right now.
Super Panda

1 Day Away

From the hubby's graduation.

Yay!

Life is GRAND!
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Counting the Days

til I am out of here.
I cannot stress that enough.

I'm also counting down the days until I get a teaching job for Fall 2009.
I wonder when the universe will grant my wish.

I'm also counting down the days until Thursday. That's graudation day for the hubby.
Yay Hubby! He deserves this badge that he's getting. He's earned it.

Life is GRAND!
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Happy 75th Birthday

to this wonderful woman who decided to share her good looks with me.



I love you Mom!

Life is GRAND!
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5 Years Ago Today

I married my best friend.

It hasn't always been easy for us, but we sure have made it work.
We've muddled through tough times, stormy weathers, and rocky roads.
Yet here we are, still standing strong.

I love you dear Milo. More than words can ever express.
You are my best friend, my companion, and the love of my life.
Thank you for choosing me. I am forever changed because of you.
I look forward to all that is to come. And I am glad I have you (and Jamba and Cash) by my side to share it with.





Life is GRAND!
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Brainstorming

Little Lady K is such a smart woman.
She's totally right! I need a blog that features pics of cakes for orders, etc. I will work on making that happen.

I just need a name first.

Again, suggestions, anyone???

Life is GRAND!
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An Update

As of September, if not sooner, I may not have job.
Actually, it's for sure I won't have a job as the fall months roll in.

Wish me luck.

Prayers are definitely much appreciated as well.

Life is GRAND- because new adventures are waiting for me!
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A Renewed Sense of Hope

It is only mid June.
I know I will have a job by September.
Things have to be looking up.
That's just the way things flow- one minute you're down, the next up.
I know I am definitely on my way up.

Also, I am definitely going to start turning my oven on more frequently.
The bakery is now open for business.
I need to start generating whatever income I can, and this is one way for me to do it.
Please put in orders :)
I do need a name for my side biz though.
Ideas are welcome!

Things are beginning to look up.
I know change is scary. I know that there's a lot of unknown to this.
However, I also do know that we'll be taken care of. We always have been blessed.
And we will continue to be. We just need to have faith.

Life is GRAND!
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You Win Some, You Lose Some

I didn't get the job at St. Catherine's.
He offered it to someone else today.
I'm slightly bummed, but I know that it's not the place for me.
Something else, the right one, will come along.
I just hope it comes along by September- because it looks like I'll be unemployed by then.

I know that things are happening the way they should be, but man, I'm scared.
Way scared.

Life is GRAND- although doubtful sometimes.
Super Panda

Sometimes I feel like a fool

That I am looking for a job in today's job market.
When I have a perfectly OK one. One that pays my bills.
Granted it may not make me happy, but it does keep me sheltered and feed amongst a few other things.

And now... because of my unwillingness to settle, I find my self in rocky, unstable territory.
UGH!
What to do now??

These are the times when I really wish I had a fairy godmother who would just come and tell me that everything's going to be okay. That I have made all the right choices and that everything will turn out great in the end.

Oh, where are you fairy godmother?

Life is GRAND!
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Insert Clever Title Here

I believe that my boss is already in talks with someone to take over my spot.
The problem with that is that I have nowhere to go. At least for now.

I need a break. Pretty badly.
I'm doing what I can on my end- sending out resumes, interviewing, thinking positively, praying endlessly, etc.

So for now, I'm looking at things to do part time that will help me earn extra income should a low paying teaching job come in.
I am also now trying to start my own event planning business on the side.
Nothing big, just for people who are looking to have a party, but don't have the time to plan it.

Something needs to happen. Some sort of saving grace for me.

Life is GRAND (even though you're unstable sometimes).
Super Panda

FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVE

Last week found me incredibly down.

Waaaay

d
o
w
n

I think I was at my lowest point (but the funny thing is, everytime I think this, something else happens that makes me think otherwise). I didn't even know how I was going to pull myself out of the depression, worry and anxiety that surrounded me.

Thank goodness for great girlfriends, and a wonderful husband. Because I really believe they're the ones that got me through it.
The teacher, and fro girl helped me out. And Mastermind did too.

After our meeting yesterday, I've decided to just focus all my energy on attracting the positive. Come what may!
I know that since I saw the payscale that the principal showed me, I've been anxious and nervous as to how we'll make it financially. While that's still a concern, it's not the be all, end all. There are other things that I need to think about.

So, in some ways, I've come to a resolution...
If I have to stay where I'm at for one more year (for us to be able to smoothly transition), then so be it. I can start looking for teaching jobs earlier next school year, and I'd be in a better position because I would have been in school already. If I find a teaching job for the Fall 2009 school year that will offer me more financially than what the previous interview did, then great!
Bottom line is that I just have to be open to all possibilities.
Things will work for the best- the way they should.
And I just have to TRUST in that.

Life is GRAND!
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Making the Leap!

So, today, I went on an interview.
It was extremely promising. I had gone in thinking I was being interviewed for a Junior High Teacher position, but it seems that the principal already has someone in mind for that. Someone he met prior to meeting me.
So the outlook on that position seems to not be so good.
However, he did seem extremely interested in hiring me to be a Pre- school teacher. Not my first choice, but a choice nonetheless.
The downside being is that it's really low paying.
OK, make that extremely low paying.
It's about 1/4 of what I'm making now.
It's a little bit disheartening to say the least. However, I do know that the right place and the right position will open itself up to me. I just have to believe and trust that it will happen.
Today, I sent out my resumes to 2 other schools. 1 in Simi Valley, and another in Westlake Village.
Because of how well my interview went today, I am so much more confident in my skills and abilities. The principal told me that I have so much more experience than what I have on paper, and that I'm qualified... because in his own words "you gotta start somewhere right?"
So, yes, I am well on my way to teaching in school this coming school year.
Yes, guys, I am a teacher :)

Life is GRAND!
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Closing a Chapter

Sometime this afternoon, my MIL approached me and asked me to come in to her office. I obliged. Not that I really had a choice :)

We talked shop for a bit, but then the inevitable "talk" happened.

She asked me what my plans are... I asked her if she meant in the long run and she said yes.

And so I did myself and her a favor and told her about my plans about becoming a teacher. I told her this was the reason I was going back to school- to earn my masters and credentials. I told her that I'm grateful for everything she's done for me, but I do believe this is the right step for me because we're planning on starting a family soon, and I want to be able to have time with my children.

She asked me a few basic questions- how are we going to make it financially?
If I'm sure. And then others I cannot remember.
I told her I'm not quite sure of the answers, but that we'd figure it out somehow. That we've always been taken care of, and that I just have to trust and believe that we're going to be okay.

She laid out the rules- told me I cannot tell any talents, nor any vendors. I agreed. I did tell her that I told the Halfie, because after all, she is one of my closest friends. We still have to work out logistics- time frames, etc. but I think we're going to be ok. I know she needed to know so that her business is taken care of, as well as our talents. I would never have taken that right away from her by simply leaving with no more than a few weeks notice.

She told me that she wishes nothing but the best for me, and that she thinks this will be better for both of us. I told her I hope for the same.

So with that, my friends, I have been liberated.
Not fired- because I still have a job and still work here, but I've been given the green light.
Given the green light to pursue my dreams, with no guilt or shame.

BITTERSWEET. That's the word that comes to mind. Bitter because I have met a ton of people, and have enjoyed all the perks and allowances that my job provided (and still continues to provide). Sweet because I feel free- free to live my own life, have a career of my choosing, rather than just living out someone's idea of what my life should be like, and also because I now feel so much more in control of my own destiny. Much more so than I have ever felt.
I am also a wee bit scared- scared that I may not have a job anytime soon. Scared that we may not make it.
HOWEVER, those have have never been options for me. And clearly, they still are not options for me, so I won't indulge. I do however, reserve the right to once in a while vent and air out my frustrations and fear.

But for now, I will bask in the moment. Bask in how peaceful everything came about.
There were no tears, no mean comments, no below the belt remarks. It actually felt like a conversation that we should have had a long time ago. It was a conversation that felt sincere and genuine.
And for that I am grateful. I certainly could not have imagined it going this well, no matter how many times I've replayed this scenario in my head.

I feel that things are progressing. In their own way. Things are happening just as they're supposed to.

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

A Re-occuring Feeling.

Sometimes I can't help but feel that I've somehow failed.
Failed that I can't make it and endure what I'm doing now.
Failed because one day I was on top, and then the next, not so much.
I completely fell off the path.
Failed because as a young child, it was always ingrained in me at school that I'm meant for great things.
And somehow, the spot that I'm in now doesn't seem so great.
I think that sometimes I'm really torn between having it all and being happy. I know they're not synonymous.
However, sometimes, like tonight, I have a hard time trying to reconcile the events that have lead me to where I am now. That each event has been a stepping stone to my true self. They are all parts of one, each making room for the other as I progress into reaching my full potential.
While there is no question in my mind about the pursuit of my happiness, I can't help but feel a little sad for what I am leaving behind. The paychecks for one. The glitz and glamour of what I do, another. However, deep down, I know that these things are not part of my core. They are not part of who I truly am. They are simply things that I've used to define myself in the past.
And as I move into this new phase of my life- the one where I have a better sense of who I am, what I want, and who I want to be, I find myself slightly reminiscing about those days where it was simply enough to just have it all. Unfortunately for me, having it all did not mean I would be happy.
And so now, I'm on my journey to happiness. And really, on my journey to becoming me... growing into my own.
As the Brit always says, everything that's happening is just getting me ready for the next step. And I whole heartedly believe in that. Mostly because I've noticed that my priorities have changed immensely. I'm no longer defined by what I have, but rather who I am and what I stand for... even though sometimes, I still get a little lost in the simplicity of the things that used to mean so much more to me.
I know I have to embrace it all. That they are all parts of what make me whole.
It's just really a trip sometimes when I look back, even just a few months ago, when I realize that what was important back then is no longer important now, and vice versa.

Life is GRAND!
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A Little of This, A Little of That

Today wasn't as bad as I imagined it turning out to be.
The Brit had mentioned that I was totally giving off feelings of anxiety and nervousness, which she picked up on this morning at spinning.
I kept it professional. No discussions about my personal life, the hubby... strictly work. It works best for me that way- except I was totally anticipating her bringing up certain things. Thank goodness she didn't.
I think having her there makes me want to find a new job even more. It's like added incentive.
I def hope to find something for the upcoming school year. When I was talking to the Halfie today (AKA The Friend That Got Away), she had mentioned that the thought of me working there for another year, even another month seems too long.
I couldn't agree more.
I am just trying to get along though. I need to get along so that I can move on. I cannot wait.
When I wake up in the morning, I have to gear myself up for the day- for all the pretending that I have to do. At the end of the day, I am exhausted. Unfortunately, 5 days out of the week, the cycle just repeats itself.
I just have to keep consoling myself with the thought that things will get better, and that I will eventually be moving on.
It also doesn't hurt that I have a loving husband who stands by me.
We make a great team, he and I. I am incredibly lucky to have him in my life.

He passed his final today. Yay! Graduation is 17 days away.
I am so incredibly proud of him.

Life is GRAND!
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

To The Teacher :)
We love you Megs!



Life is GRAND!
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Fearful of Tomorrow

Tomorrow marks the first day back for my MIL.
It's almost been a month since she left for vacation.
The past few weeks have granted me so much emotional freedom- freedom from the stressful relationship that we now have.
Suffice it to say that I'm definitely not looking forward to a full day at the office with her tomorrow. My heart hurts and panic and anxiety are definitely kicking in. I'm an emotional wreck, not knowing what tomorrow will bring.
I know that on my end, time has not healed any pain. Perhaps it's because there was so much said- so many hurtful things that can never be taken back.
And that was a one way street. I took the high road on that one and shut my mouth. (Yes, there's a first time for everything).
So this whole month, I've been trying to desperately find a way out of my situation- I've applied for jobs, have cried my heart out in therapy, made jokes about the situation, and I even went on one interview. But the reality of it is this- I'm still living the same emotional nightmare. I'm still a wreck over the many heart breaking things that she said and accused me of, and the job hunt has not proven successful.
Even though I still refuse to give up my search for something better, I know that until I do have something else lined up, my emotional self will still be a wreck.
I am hoping that is something that will change soon.

Life is GRAND- even though it doesn't always turn out to be the way you want it to.
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Being Decisive

So after numerous discussions with my husband, and of course my trusted few, it's become very apparent to me that the next step is for me to enroll in a credential program.

And that is exactly what I'm doing.
Taking a leap of faith.
I know that all will work out well. I know that I will turn out OK, in fact, better than OK.

So, with that, I am meeting with my counselor and enrolling at the University of Phoenix next week.

I am grateful to have this matter settled.

Life is GRAND!
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Coming Out Fighting

Today, I spoke with a principal at a school I'm highly interested in teaching at. He seemed interested enough in me- the only downside being that I'm not enrolled in a credential program yet. This is not due to a lack of commitment on my part, but mainly because I'm $20 g's short of the amount of $$ I need to go back to school.
Anyhow, this principal was really cool- even giving me ideas about where to go to school, and told me numerous times to give him a call should my situation change.

So after work I came home. Threw myself another pity party and cried, you know, the usual.
But after the tears stopped, I decided to get off the couch, hop in the shower and try to figure out a way around my situation.

And this is when it dawned on me. A light bulb came on inside my head.

Why not try to see if this principal would set an interview up with me, and should he choose to hire me, I can guarantee that I will be enrolled in a credential program before the school year starts.

So, that's it. It's been decided. I will fight for my job. I am going to ask this guy to take a leap of faith with me, and in turn, I will guarantee that I will be enrolled in school before the school year even begins.

Yes, I know this is risky. Stupid even. However, at this point, I have nothing to lose. I don't have that teaching job, or any teaching job for that matter. I do have everything to gain. I am simply selling myself- offering a proposal that would behoove us both. And quite frankly, I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself and selling my short. I am going to lay it all on the line, since he's been openly communicating with me.

I'm going to get me a job.
Please pray for SUCCESS!

Life is GRAND!
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An Apology, and a Leap of Faith

I know my blog has become of a downer lately as I detail my struggles in my quest to become a teacher. And I know that it also includes the numerous pity parties that I've thrown myself within just a few weeks. And for all of that, I'm really sorry.
I wish things were going smoothly and easier in my life right now, but unfortunately, they're not. You, my readers, are just innocent bystanders in my sea of misery- which I'm definitely trying to change. I call what I'm going through- growing pains. Since I am on the path of becoming my own person, I am experiencing things that I may never have gone through before, or if I have gone through it before, I'm seeing them in a brand new light.
This whole thing certainly hasn't been easy on me, but rather the complete opposite. I am DRAINED, but I am giving it my all, or at least trying to, the best I can.

So with that said, here's what I'm on the fence about...
I'm on the fence about taking a leap of faith.
And on the fence about taking a loan out.
But the reality of it all is that I need to go back to school to get my credential.
The amount of money I need is what scares me. Especially because we just bought a house.
I really wish all this wasn't so hard. Sometimes I just feel like throwing my hands up and giving up.
But I know that for me, that's not an option.

I wish I didn't waste the past few years of my life doing what I'm doing now.
I wish I stayed in school longer and did a credential option.
I wish I planned ahead.
I wish I planned a better future for myself.
It's so hard to see that everything that's happened has happened for a reason, especially while I'm going through this.
I know that one day, I'll look back and hopefully laugh at the situation.
I just want to know that everything will be okay in the end.

And I really should start a Teaching Fund.
All donations welcome :)

Life is GRAND!
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Blah.

That about sums up how I feel today.
I couldn't sleep last night because I felt a sore throat coming.
I got up at 4, and the sore throat was in full force. I'm definitely not enjoying this.

I sent more resumes out today. I am hoping that someone will see me for the gem that I am, and just give me a shot. That's all I need. One shot. At a teaching position.
I also followed up on one of my leads, but had to leave a message. Hopefully he calls me back. Otherwise, I'll call again on Monday.

Thanks to The Teacher for the encouragement last night.
I started feeling pretty down about not having been called back for a teaching position yet, but she made me feel better about my situation. I know that the right job is waiting for me, and that the jobs I'm not being considered for are meant for someone else. I just hope that the position for me comes along fairly soon. I really just don't want to get anymore discouraged and then just lose hope. If that happens, it means that I'll be too complacent once again, and I might never leave this job. One of my biggest fears would be failure. Another, unhappiness. I'm afraid that I might be headed towards both should I not find something soon.
Staying here is definitely not an option, but I'm afraid I might have to if nothing else comes up. Again, leading me back to failaure and unhappiness.

On the bright side of things, it's about 2 1/2 weeks until the Hubby's graduation from LA City's Academy. We've waited for years for this!
And it's bittersweet for me. Bitter because I wish I was celebrating my own happiness regarding a new job, Sweet because I get to share in his. A bit selfish of me? Perhaps. However, I do reserve the right to be happy as an individual as well.

Tonight, the baking begins at my house. It's The Teacher's birthday on Monday, but she's having a celebration this Saturday. I have been asked to make a cake. I've always enojyed baking and decorating since it offers me peace and solace. However, it's been a while since I've baked, so I hope it still offers the same promise.

Life is GRAND!
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It's Not You, It's Me...

and really, that's what it comes down to... even though the job hasn't been offered to me.

So the interview...

I think it went well. However, after the job description was fully outlined, I've decided that I don't want the job, should they offer it to me. There is no room for growth. I was told by the principal that usually, people who have been teachers are the ones that apply for the director of advancement/ admissions, so in a way, I'd be going backwards. The job description online also said, some nights and weekends- but after talking to them, it seemed mostly nights and weekends, plus a lot of driving to different schools to promote the school. At the end, we were laughing and brainstorming ideas regarding a new school video, what else can be done to promote the school. The Vice Principal even walked me to the front door!

As great as that sounds, I'm really interested in a teaching position. Now I just need someone to give me that chance.

I'm grateful for the interview.
Glad I got a chance to get a feel for it and see what it's like.

Life is GRAND!
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A Full Day

Actually, make that week. A full week.

There's been tons of ups and downs- sometimes, it happens by hour, sometime by days.
However, there does seem to be more ups lately, so for that, I am grateful.

I have an interview this coming week. Please keep me in your prayers.
I am praying, and hoping that this the right job for me, or at least the right school.
I have been preparing myself for this.
I grilled the teacher, and fro girl about what I should say in my interview. They helped tons!!

Oh, and yes, you might have noticed that I've taken to giving people nicknames. These are not meant to offend anyone, but rather to protect their privacy. If it is offensive, please let me know, and I will gladly stop referring to you by that name. However, do know that these are terms of endearment, especially coming from me.

So here's some weekend updates:

Friday:
We got out of work early, so I decided to trek over to CSUN to get a copy of my transcripts for my portfolio that I am putting together for my interview. An hour after getting out of work, I was finally on my way home. At least until I decided to head over to Target for some organizational items. I wanted a few things that would hold paperwork for the beginning of the school year, and wanted a few things to go along with my new Teacher Planner. Yes, I know it all seems premature, however, there is a method to my madness. I am acting AS IF! I am OWNING IT!

Saturday:
The Brit and I were supposed to go to a Zumba class at a dance studio near us, but it was closed for the long weekend. So instead, we headed over to Pierce college. We went on a hike. Then we headed home to get ready for the Cajun Festival. Tons of fun. I am however, slightly burnt- not so fun. We ate our fill of Cajun food, and I even lucked out and got some sugar free, gluten free macaroons to go with my tea. Yum! Then the hubby and I headed over to see my family. I spent some time with them while the hubby visited some old friends at Bear Divide. It was a fun, relaxing evening.

And the best part of it all is that the weekend is not even over yet!

Oh yes, my mom told me that she is inviting my MIL and FIL to her 75th birthday, which is on June 13. Ok, that's fine, as long as you all visualize with me-
THAT I WILL HAVE A JOB OFFER ON OR BEFORE JUNE 15th. There's power in numbers, so please keep me in mind.

Life is GRAND!
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My DUH! Moment

So yesterday morning, while walking with the Brit and Baby C, she mentioned that perhaps my MIL (that means Monster In Law, for those who aren't in the know), probably thinks that I'm looking to steal some of her clients. The Brit goes on to say that she probably knows you're looking for another job, and might take some talents with you.

And the light came on.

That yes, perhaps she is thinking that I'm looking for another job in this crazy business we're in. BUT, she is OH SO WRONG! Because I'm looking for another job in a completely different field.

And so I told the hubby this last night, and he said "DUH!"
And he proceeded to tell me that he thought the exact same thing.

Clearly, I've been to wrapped up in my own thoughts that I never even considered what she could be thinking. Frankly, I just didn't care.

Imagine her surprise when I tell her I'm leaving. Leaving to teach.
YAY ME :)
TEAM SUPER PANDA ALL THE WAY!
HA!

Life is GRAND!
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I'm on to the next phase!!!

Yes!

Yesterday at therapy, I was telling my therapist that I need to move on to the next phase, so that I at least feel like I'm moving on. I've been feeling stuck these past few days.

So last night, after praying and releasing- somehow it clicked, that I need to just release, and so I did. I let go and let God.
Easy to say, but so hard to do. But I told God that I was so exhausted of carrying this burden, because I know that he has it all planned out for me. And as I prayed, I felt my shoulders lighten up a bit.

And God does work in mysterious ways... because today, I received an email for an interview. It's for a Director of Advancement/ Outreach position. I am nervous and excited. But mostly, I am grateful. Grateful that there is movement. Grateful that the universe is meeting me halfway.

And to add to my already wonderful day, I received the sign that I have been asking for. Everytime I want to be reassured of something, I ask the angels for a sign. This time around, I asked for a red dragonfly (something I've only seen twice, and saw last year, a few months after my dad passed). I asked that I see a hovering red dragonfly, because surely I wouldn't miss this sign. If one showed before the 3oth of May, then it would mean that everything would be well- I'd have a new job this coming school year, and that I would be out of here by August/ September.
So today, during my lunch, while I was talking to one of my sister's in my backyard, a red dragonfly caught my eye in my neighbor's yard. I couldn't believe it!
Then it proceeded to do a dance in my yard, where it lingered for a while.

So today, has been an incredibly blessed day.
Thank you God! Thank you angels! I know I am being directed and guided into what is right for me- for the good of all.

Life is GRAND!
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Slightly Looking Up!

Today, I woke up feeling slightly, refreshed.
Yesterday, was horrible, and today definitely is a much brighter day.

I spoke to the zoo lady last night, and she definitely helped me out. Restored my spirits, I would say. She used to be a teacher and she gave me great info. She told me how she got her start, and I'm applying to the same placement company. Even though it's just for substitute teaching, it will at least get my foot in the door, and give me the experience I need. She also told me that because of the economy, I am competing with a lot of experienced teachers, which of course puts me at a disadvantage. However, she also told me to persevere and that it will be worth it.
She told me that I will land somewhere.

Oddly enough, I've been hearing this from people throughout this pity party of mine, but it wasn't until she said that something clicked.
I hope that the joy and excitement lasts for a while.
It's so not fun feeling sorry for yourself.

Life is GRAND!
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The Pity Party Parade

Came to town early this morning, and it's lingering.
I am an emotional wreck.
I am doing everything I can so as not to start sobbing here in my office.

I. JUST. DON'T. WANT. TO. BE. HERE.

I haven't heard from any schools regarding my resume.

I feel like I'm running out of time. Out of hope.
As the days go by, I feel as if the walls are closing in- but really, it's because my MIL is coming back and that's got me panicking.
I just need someone, anyone, to give me a chance.
I have been begging desperately through prayer for a shot at something.

And PLAN B, isn't really all that appealing. Not that there's a concrete PLAN B.

I feel as if I've hit rock bottom. So much so, that I don't even like my own company.

Life is GRAND!
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Job Hunt Update

I called today to follow up.

I got 2 voicemails, and 1 Vice Principal.
I hope the ones I left messages for call me back.
I hope the Vice Principal decides that she'd like to meet me.

I think the English teacher position at St. Genevieve has been filled. The job is no longer posted on their school website. Bummer! It just means that this wasn't my spot. The right school will come along.

And guess what? An opening at Holy Family High School opened up today in the English Department.
Perhaps that's the right spot??

According to the Vice Principal, they don't start calling for interviews until they have at least 5 resumes. They just posted the job today. She said that hopefully I hear from someone within the next 3-4 days. Keep your fingers crossed.
Please.

I know that the right school, the right position will come along.
I just CANNOT wait! I'm so excited!

Life is GRAND!
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Quickie Updates

Since I've done nothing but rant about my new endeavor- which is to get a job in the field of education, I've decided it's time for a few quickie updates.

*The hubby is almost done with the Academy.
4 weeks from today is graduation. June 18th, Drill Tower 40. He had his last physical and written test (before the final) today. He's decided that he is buying himself a gift for having gotten this far. That means our PS3 will be getting lots of love soon.

*Meg, E, and I hit up the Strawberry Festival this past weekend. We were stuck in traffic for a while. A long while. But we had a lot of fun. It was great bonding with the gals. We saw the Brit at the fair, but she left early.
Good food, great company. Up next- Cajun Festival this coming weekend.
I think the hubby and I will be heading to that.

So, this is just a random thing.
EVERYDAY, and I mean that...
I take something home from work that is mine.
I am slowly cleaning my desk, and taking bits and pieces of me away :)

Ok, I thought I had more updates (generally speaking). Turns out I don't.
Tune in to the next installment.

Life is GRAND!
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