Thursday, May 28, 2009

An Apology, and a Leap of Faith

I know my blog has become of a downer lately as I detail my struggles in my quest to become a teacher. And I know that it also includes the numerous pity parties that I've thrown myself within just a few weeks. And for all of that, I'm really sorry.
I wish things were going smoothly and easier in my life right now, but unfortunately, they're not. You, my readers, are just innocent bystanders in my sea of misery- which I'm definitely trying to change. I call what I'm going through- growing pains. Since I am on the path of becoming my own person, I am experiencing things that I may never have gone through before, or if I have gone through it before, I'm seeing them in a brand new light.
This whole thing certainly hasn't been easy on me, but rather the complete opposite. I am DRAINED, but I am giving it my all, or at least trying to, the best I can.

So with that said, here's what I'm on the fence about...
I'm on the fence about taking a leap of faith.
And on the fence about taking a loan out.
But the reality of it all is that I need to go back to school to get my credential.
The amount of money I need is what scares me. Especially because we just bought a house.
I really wish all this wasn't so hard. Sometimes I just feel like throwing my hands up and giving up.
But I know that for me, that's not an option.

I wish I didn't waste the past few years of my life doing what I'm doing now.
I wish I stayed in school longer and did a credential option.
I wish I planned ahead.
I wish I planned a better future for myself.
It's so hard to see that everything that's happened has happened for a reason, especially while I'm going through this.
I know that one day, I'll look back and hopefully laugh at the situation.
I just want to know that everything will be okay in the end.

And I really should start a Teaching Fund.
All donations welcome :)

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

1 comment:

Bubut said...

i can't believe you're writing this. imagine -- how many 26 or 27year olds do you know have a loving husband two cute dogs and a nice fenced home with dreams of an even brighter future?

you're doing quite well. you're just getting bogged down by your desire to switch careers too soon. that's fine, but you have to be patient. don't ever look back and think you should have done otherwise. that would be defeatist.

and for all you know, you might not even have to take a student loan. your good grades could qualify you for a grant in aid or something of the sort. you graduated with honors. surely that counts for something if you're going back to school. you might need to expand your options on that score. you might even qualify for a work for school thing - like the fellowship i got. i'm sure they have that at csun too. you study for free in exchange for a teaching assistantship for which you even get a tidy stipend.

please don't ever look back at your life and feel sorry thinking you could've done better. that's insulting to folks like me.