Thursday, April 30, 2009

Today's Conditions

Cloudy but with a little bit of sunshine.
Yes, I'm happy to report that I'm feeling slightly better.
Not a whole lot, but better at least, which is some sign of improvement.

Yesterday while at therapy, my therapist brought up the fact that it's only been a week since I last saw her. Only a week since my life was turned upside down.
And this was a defining moment for me. See, somehow in my head, it felt like it had been longer than a week. It was great having someone else put things in perspective. It really made me feel like I had accomplished a lot more than I was giving myself credit for- because in a week I have:

*figured out what I DON'T want to do. This was my starting point.
*figured out something else I could do/ want to do.
*weighed out my options- with the hubby.
*spoken with others and continue to verbalize my concerns about the situation. I'm def not hiding any emotions.
*done a few informational/ informal interviews- mainly talking to friends who are teachers.
*researched and spoken with a counselor at the University of Phoenix. 3 hours, and 3 phone calls later, I think I have a much better idea as to what I'm going to do with my life.
*spread the word that I am looking for a teaching job, that I am in need of volunteer hours for my masters/ credentials program (240 hours to be exact and it has to involve kids).
*bought myself a review book for the CBEST.
*have visualized and masterminded a new job, and a future that shines brightly.
*a solid resume, although it needs just a bit of fine tuning.
*gotten to know myself- my strength, courage and determination. I am seeing my determination in action.
*reconciled myself somewhat (I'm still working on this!)with the facts that as a teacher, I will be making a lot less than I'm used to, and would have to depend on my husband a little bit more. That I will be making a lot less than a lot of my friends, because essentially I am starting again at the bottom of the ladder.

I have barely given myself time to mourn. Although I did have a few moments in between doing all this where I really indulged and threw myself a pity party.

Today, though, at this moment, I can honestly say I feel some sort of peace.
Perhaps I'm coming to terms that this is what IS now.
That my life is changing and all I can do is embrace the change, the beautiful chaos.
Because, yes, although this whole thing has shaken my entire being, I am being propelled to something far greater.

Although sometimes, I still wish someone would just come and tell me that all is taken care of, and I no longer have to worry. That it will all get easier soon.
That it will all be okay.

So, tomorrow, I may feel completely different. The fear, loneliness and anxiety might come back. However, for today, for right now, I am simply grateful.
Grateful that I can somewhat see the light at the end of the tunnel.
And really, that makes all the difference :)

Life is GRAND!
Super Panda

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